Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres had been talking one night. They knew *something* should be going down between the Captain and First Officer. A few well placed inquiries had discovered that the senior two officers were not going to get there at the rate they were going. A couple of looks here, a locked grin there.

So Tom and B'Elanna had devised a little scheme. They decided that a ship-board bulletin board would fit the bill. A *general* for the crew and *one* only accessible to four people. Two would know about the accessibility, two would *not*.

The first taker of this signed simply "KJ", using the impression that no names or initials were to be used. The ad looked something like this (surprising B'Elanna and Tom both):

"If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the one you're in love with
Write to me and escape."

B'Elanna, after reading it a couple of times, declared it sweet, yet really bad. Then again, the person who wrote it wasn't exactly a poet.

The bait had worked.

The next day, Tom and B'Elanna was surprised to see a response, carefully written by someone who thought *very* deeply, simply signed "C". After all, confidentiality was a *must*.

"Yes I like pina coladas
Getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into Neelix's food
I am into champaign
I've got to reach you very soon
Cut through all your red tape
At a place called Sandrine's
Where we'll plan our escape."

"This sentiment is almost too sweet for me." B'Elanna said, looking over Tom's shoulder.

"This is worse then we thought, B'Elanna. They are using a chorus of a song from the 20th century." A smirk crossed Tom's face. "B'Elanna, I have an idea. . . ."

Databases are *cool*.

The next Saturday (the next day, actually). The bridge crew came into Sandrine's for the new weekly tradition, Piano Man Repertoire, featuring Tom Paris and his fantastic manipulation of songs. He'd even play them without doctoring, but this was just *too good* to let go. "KJ and C" had come in separately and had sat at the bar, where holodoc was working as the bartender. B'Elanna looked over her shoulder and gave a nod.

"Attention everybody." Tom said, sitting down at the Piano. "First off, B'Elanna and I would like to thank all of you who have been using the Shipwide Bulletin Board."

Tom noticed slight color slide up the captains face. *Killing Time* he thought.

"I'd like to dedicate this first song to. . .well all of you *lonely* people."

And the music started. . .

I was tired from a hard day,
We'd been busy too long,
Like a worn out pilot
At the conn too long
So while I sat there reading
I read the 'board in bed
And in the personal column
There was this letter I read

(Kathryn stops in mid smile, realizing something. Chakotay mirrors her actions)

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain,
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the one you're in love with
Write to me and escape.

(Tom gulps during the interlude, if his job was ever in jeopardy, now it *truly* was)

I didn't think about my captain
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my captain
Hadn't fallen into any kind of routine
So I wrote to the ship-board
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm no-ones poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

(Chakotay's ears are turning red at this point, pretty good considering his darkened complexion. Kathryn looks at him quizzically)

"Yes I like pina coladas
Getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into Neelix's food
I am into champaign
I've got to reach you very soon
Cut through all your red tape
At a place called Sandrine's
Where we'll plan our escape."

(Two senior officers have very white knuckles from holding their glasses so tightly)

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew that smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely captain
And she said "Ah it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said I never knew. . .

(Daggers are now being cast in the general direction of Piano Man, curtesy of some very blue eyes, accompanied by some dark brown ones)

That you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champaign
You like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
You're the woman I've dreamed of
Come with me and escape.

(Chakotay shrugs sheepishly, Kathryn kind of half smiles. B'Elanna thinks it may have worked.)

Tom continues two more rounds of the chorus, everyone joining in. The two senior officers, laugh, and look really nervous. Tom looks over his shoulder at the two. Kathryn mouths the word "later" and Tom knows that he's in it deep. He needs knee boots. But it was worth it.

He just had to make sure he left the holodeck before the big first officer. . .

To be continued. . . Will Tom make it back to his quarters alive? Will Janeway kill him or reward him. . . you just have to be patient whilst I listen to the radio. . .

It's me again. I don't know what's going on personally, but it seems I can't listen to a song with throwing "Voyager Antics" into it. Maybe I'm related to Weird Al. Nah, I doubt it. My latest adventure in Sandrine's (yep, its still running, better then that hula palace of flesh). I have a feeling this is going to be a running series, of officers ripping off 20th century songs and doctoring them. Hell, this is fun.

This one comes from (again) the seventies. I mean no disrespect to the artist/songwriter, but I don't know who the hell you are, but thank you for intriguing my latent song-doctoring talents. "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" is by someone, not by me. Not a bad song, even though these folks really needed to see a marriage counselor. . .oops, didn't mean to get off track there.

Dedicated to my brain, for putting up with these really bad antics. . .

Disclaimer: blah blah blah, something about Paramount being the higher power of the universe and the rest of us just little peons (yeah, if it hadn't been for *us*, star trek would have went out door the second season of the original series) Take that!!! No, I'm indulging again in the DQ (and I don't mean Dairy Queen). Everyone, everything, belong to the big "P" except the song, which probably belongs to them too. . .Well, hell, I'll just admit to throwing them into the holodeck and computer systems just to make my day complete.

Interested in the rest. . .Ask about "Piano Man" & "Tiny Dancer/I Need You To Turn To", someone can probably help you, I probably can, if you *really* want me to.