I find her hiding, curled in the corner of her of her closet. Knees drawn up under her chin, arms clasped loosely around her knees.
"Computer, lights..." I begin.
"Belay that order," she says. "I prefer it dark."
"I don’t, I can’t see you." I can barely make out the shiny toe of her boot.
I don’t want you to see me."
"Kathryn, what’s wrong? Why are you hiding in the closet?" I kneel down beside her, hoping she’ll open up to me. I hate having to drag the information from her.
"Would you believe I’m scared of the dark?" she says. I can almost see her lopsided grin.
"No."
"I didn’t think so." She let out a sigh and I feel her hand on mine. "This is what I’m scared of."
"My hand?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
"No, this," Kathryn says, pulling my hand so it now rests against her breast. I feel the soft roundness, the unmistakeable point, poking through her turtleneck.
"Afraid of me touching you?" I say. I hope not. Touchy-feely Kathryn, afraid of touching me, me touching her?
"I don’t know how."
This conversation was going no where. "Don’t know how to what?"
"I--I don’t know how to let you in. I want to, and I can’t." She presses my hand even closer to her.
"Kathryn, you never lose that capacity to love. You just need to practice," I tell her. I reach my other hand out to her and run my fingers down her face. So smoothe, soft, warm. "Allow me."
"What?" she whispers. I can feel her breath against my wrist.
I wish I could see her face, how she looks, the feeling in her eyes. I lean in, slowly, taking my time, wishing I could see something more then her shadow. I touch her lips gently, savoring the feel of them against mine. At first, I can feel the surprise of my bold move, the heat emanating from her face. I know she’s blushing, color highlighting her cheeks.
Kathryn begins responding. Her lips soften under mine, part, allowing me inside. I feel her hand on my face, slowly inching up. Her finger gently traces the tattoo on my forehead, and I realize it’s from memory. My othert hand, which she hasn’t let go of, she begins moving over her breast, guiding me along. She pulls back, needing to take a breath. I hope she doesn’t run now. We’ve both went beyond where our friendship ends. We’re on a new journey.
"Make love to me," she whispers in the dark. I rise, pulling her up with me, clasping her hands like we had a long time ago. Kathryn glues herself to my hip. I don’t know what she’s afraid of; me or herself.
Her bedroom, she orders lowest illumination. She stands back from me, still gazing at me. I then realize she’s singing to me.
"In the still, of the night
I held you, held you tight
‘Cause I love, love you so
Promise I’ll never, let you go
In the still of the night."
I pull her to me, putting my arm around her waist, she putting hers along my shoulder. We begin to slow dance, all the while, I listen to her sing.
"I remember, that night in May,
The stars were bright above,
I’ll hope and I’ll pray
To keep, your precious love
Well before the light,
Hold me again, with all of your might
In the still of the night."
I look down into her face. In May, just a few short months ago, I’d given her a present. An old style time piece; silver, mechanical movement. She’d burst into tears when I gave it too her. I couldn’t tell if she liked it or not.
The song she sang me brought back what I had engraved on it.
"I’ll never let you go, in the still of the night."
I held her against me, knowing that this alone was more intimate then making love would be. I held my Kathryn, in the still of the night.
**Kathryn**
He holds me. He’s surprised. I know I am. My closet was my haven, where I could escape. Chakotay found me, sitting against the wall, feeling incredibly sorry for myself. He offers himself so completely and with no strings. I always look for the invisible threads. The man has none; he loves me unconditionally. Purely.
I know I love him back. Purely, unconditionally. As I lean my head against his chest, I realize I’m grinning like a fool. He kissed me! I feel like a teenager, instead of a woman in charge of a starship.
"Show me how to love again," I whisper to him. He responds by holding me closer. I meant what I said. I want him to make love to me, show me the meaning of love once more. I want to know him, as more then my friend. I want to know if he can take me where I need to go.
"Kathryn, what brought about this change of heart?" Chakotay asks me. I pull him closer, savoring the feel of him.
"I don’t know. Everything seems to be pointing to you, telling me to take the chance." I lift my face from his chest and look into his eyes. I see myself reflected in them and for the first time in a long while, I like what the reflection sees.
"I can’t make love to you then turn around and pretend that it didn’t happen. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to me or you."
"I’m not asking you to pretend like it never happened. I’m sure." I cup his chin in my grasp and make him look at me. "I’m not running, anymore. I have no more places to hide. Now, I’m making a stand. Make love to me, Chakotay, take me where I haven’t been, make me feel alive."
I back away from him. I reach down and pull the turtleneck shirt from the waistband of my pants and pull it over my head. I’m prepared, have been for a long time now. The turtleneck hits the floor, yet makes no noise. I stand before him, black regulation pants and boots and on top, a lacy white bra. Not my typical on duty attire. But the past few months have been far from typical.
"Kathryn," he whispers. Chakotay takes a step toward me, hesitantly, waiting to see if I’ll bolt. I stand my ground, wanting to feel his hands on my body, awakening what’s been asleep for so long. He reaches out and touches a scar that runs down from just below my ribcage into the waist band of my pants. "How?"
"Bar brawl when I was at the Academy. Hot headed third year cadet got me with a jagged piece of glass. It was an accident."
"I’m sorry."
"No reason for you to be sorry."
"I’m the one who did that. I never realized it was you." He continues running his finger over it, fascinated by the faint line of pink running over my skin. He sinks to his knees and begins kissing along the length of it. It’s one of the most marvelous feelings I’ve ever had. "I guess it’s true."
"What?" I ask, his touch sending warmth through me.
"You always hurt the ones you love." His lips trail back up, across my breast, up my neck, finding my lips. Chakotay truly has no idea what he’s doing to me. I want to feel him, move within me, become one with him.
I lose myself in his kiss.
In the still of the night.
**Chakotay**
Her arms encircle my neck and shoulder, she presses her body into mine. Until she made that statement, I forgot about the honey haired cadet who accidentally got cut when I was trying to remove some glass that was sitting prone on the floor. I remember touching it, feeling her blood soak through the cloth of her uniform. I took her into the back room and had her pull off the top half the jumpsuit and pull up the turtleneck. It was deep enough that there could be problems, but not deep enough to warrant to a trip to Starfleet medical.
Kathryn fits perfectly against me. Our bodies align in a way I’ve never found with another woman. Tiny, delicate. She is revealed partially to me. I feel the way her skin reacts to me and I realize I want nothing more then to remove my own uniform and just hold her against me. Warm, dry, scented. I don’t know how to describe her. She smells like a cross between jasmine and lilacs. Two of the most delicate scents.
I run my hands up her arms and I feel her shudder, hear her sigh. I don’t know why, but everything feels right about this moment in time. A time and a place for everything. I slide my thumbs up the straps of her bra and slowly bring them down her arms, enjoying the sensation of slowly seeing her. Much better -- more erotic, then flinging off your clothes and getting to the point.
"Please," she whispers. I can’t hurry, don’t want to hurry. There is only one time where everything is new. Then I realize, she’s asking me to make love to her again.
"Yes," I say, pulling away, looking into the eyes that hold me in their grasp. "Slowly. I don’t want to rush this. I want to remember this when I’m old and gray."
"As do I. I just hope I can remind you often," she says, a gentle smile adding to her features. I reach behind her and gently unfasten the hooks of her bra, pulling the two sides forward, revealing her to me slowly. Kathryn isn’t big. I knew she wasn’t, by looking at her uniform and other things she wore. It truly didn’t matter. Small all around.
Her breasts don’t sag, which I guess shouldn’t surprise me. She isn’t that old. Soft, full, rosy tips. The flush of arousal across her skin adds to the effect. Kathryn truly has no comprehension of how beautiful she is. No, she isn’t tall and highly curved like Seven, or has the look of B’Elanna. Kathryn has a natural beauty. Breathtaking doesn’t begin to describe her.
"Kathryn?" I say, stepping back and getting the full view.
"Hmm?" she says, searching my face.
"This isn’t going to be a one time thing, is it?" I needed to be sure. I don’t think I could ever just forget this.
"No."
I raise my hands to her breasts, pressing the palms of my hands flat against them. Perfect in size, perfect all around. I hold her eyes with mine, succumbing to the fire of passion I see in the depths. I barely register her raising her hands to the fasteners of my uniform and slowly begin to lower them. I don’t want this night to end.
She pulls the top half down my arms, making me lose the contact with her skin. I feel disconnected, but only for a second. My own turtleneck follows hers shortly, falling silently to the ground. We come together, pressing flesh against flesh.
In the still of the night.
**Kathryn**
I took the initiative and pulled his own turtleneck off. He’s taking this slow. Somehow I figured he would. Either that, or our love making would be fast and furious. Five years is a long time to contemplate what you’ve needed.
The first feel of his naked skin against mine. . .I feel the heat. I let out a contented sigh. Just as I knew it would be. Why are we so compatible? One hand, he moves back to my breast, pressing, stroking. Sends tingles down through me, wrapping my whole body in ecstasy. His other hand, traces up along my arm, moving my hair away from my shoulder and neck. I feel his breath before I feel his lips upon me, moving along the curve of my neck, finding that one place that gives me the most erotic chills.
I run my hand over his chest, up his shoulder. Unlike my past loves, I know I’m feeling something I’ve lacked. He is smooth, warm, muscular. His uniform hides this from sight. A good thing, as if it were any different, I’d never have my hands off of him. As he teases that one spot on me, I apply my lips to the base of his neck, feeling his pulse. It feels wonderful, as if I’m an extension of him. I run my hands over his back, around in circles, tracing the natural curves and dips.
I feel him murmuring against my neck, and I strain to hear what he’s saying. In my heart, I know exactly what he’s saying. I only need to hear the words spoken aloud to know for sure.
"I love you, Kathryn Janeway." So soft, daring. I feel some of the discontent I’d been feeling, leaving me, floating away.
"I love you," I whisper against his neck.
We continue these ministrations to each other for time neither of us notices the passing of. Just the feel of each other, pressed so closely -- makes me feel alive. This is a form of foreplay I’ve never experienced before. I like it; love it. Love the way he makes me feel, as if I’m the most precious gift in the universe.
However, I’m becoming impatient. I want to feel all of him, see all of him. Gently, I push myself away from him, wanting nothing more then to feel the exquisite feel of our entire bodies sharing this moment. I kick off my boots and socks, then hook my thumbs in the waistband of my pants and shimmy them down, leaving me in only panties -- again, non regulation and lacy.
Again, Chakotay looks me over, like carefully selecting a fine wine to buy. The anticipation is killing me. He wants to take this slow, as do I, but I feel the need to just go crazy and give into this wild desire. I take both his hands in mine and position them on my hips. I take his thumbs and this time, hook them in the waistband of my panties, and I begin slowly pushing his hands down.
The whole time, I look into his eyes.
In the still of the night.
**Chakotay**
I fall again into her eyes. My arms only go so far and I know I'm going to have to break eye contact and finish this. Lace, decidedly feminine and non regulation. But I understand. It's like a secret she's sharing. I regretfully take my eyes from hers, crouching down as I remove the final garment covering her body. I stand back and admire her fully.
Little waist. I think I might be able to reach around her waist with both my hands and have the fingers touch. Flat stomach, rounded hips. Hair redder then on her head. Legs that don't end. On her hip, a delicate little mole. Somewhat out of place on her skin, but adding such a dimension to her.
Kathryn Janeway stands before me in all her glory. Beautiful, lovely. I feel myself tighten. I imagined, dreamed of this moment, but nothing compares to the real thing.
"You're overdressed," she says, sauntering toward me. Her body floats. I sink to my knees, like I'm worshipping her. I am. I'm worshipping the woman that she is and lady I admire. I pull her to me, burying my face on her stomach. Her hands bury themselves in my hair, holding me against her. Slow I think. I need to be patient. I can't afford to lose control now. We both need this too much.
I stand back up, knowing that she is growing every bit as impatient as I am. I have no idea how much time has passed since I found her in the corner of her closet, hiding from love. As she did, I kick off my boots and socks, unfasten my pants and discard them, a little more quickly then she did. I didn't need to bribe her into helping me off with my shorts. Her hands slid down my sides and into the waist band, sliding them off. Needless to say, I was at attention, awaiting her order. She stood back and took inventory as I had. Never had I been scrutinized so thoroughly.
"You are incredible," she says, quietly. It looks as though she's grasping for the words. I've never had a woman call me anything before the act. And something inside told me she wasn't speaking of my endowments, either. She again comes to me, embracing me within her arms. Her skin, so light against mine. We just stand there, silhouetted by soft illuminations and stars. I know now that she's the greatest aspect of my life. I hold her gently, at last feeling all of our skin touching the other.
We begin slow dancing again, the first time I've ever danced naked with a woman. I love the knowledge that this dance, is with Kathryn. No music, except the beating of our hearts, the breath of air we share and the thrumming of the engines below our feet.
She slowly backs us up, slowly sitting upon her bed, drawing me to her. We lie down together, her thighs parting around me.
In the still of the night.
**Kathryn**
Chakotay's weight is barely nothing upon me. I welcome the feel, with everything that makes me what I am. I feel him against me, that welcoming feeling of a connection that can only be shared by a man and woman.
I press my thighs against his hips, feeling the tip of him slid through my folds, gently kissing at my most sensitive places, but refusing to make us one until I give the say so. In some ways, I feel almost like a virgin again. I guess in a lot of ways I am.
This is unlike the first time I ever experienced sex. Then it was awkward, strange, uncomfortable. Now, it is almost the same again, without the awkwardness. No other lover of mine has been so welcome, so wanted. I wonder if he knows what this means to me.
I know he wants too, urgently so, but he holds off. I told him I'd forgotten how to love. He was going to show me how, make me feel. Our lips meet as I cradle him between my thighs. He's pulled away slightly, trying to keep control of his want. I open my mouth and let him in, feeling the pleasure of his mouth, the sensitive interior. Running my fingers up and down his back, I'm rewarded with a soft moan. We break off the kiss as he moves lower, kissing my breasts, laying claim to them, making them his own. I feel the rush of excitement course through my veins and realize that I've never, ever been loved like this before. Empowering.
"There," I say breathlessly. I love how this feels. Mark was always so inept when it came to my needs. He didn't know the first thing about pleasure. In the time tonight that Chakotay and I've been together, he's given me more pleasure plus some. He strokes my nipple, then takes it as his own in his mouth. It rises to attention, the dull ache of desire evident. It's been too long. Equal attention is given to the other one as well, giving me tight peaks that burn with satisfaction.
Again, he moves lower, showering my abdomen with kisses. Under my breasts, which I and he discover together, is very ticklish. I writhe on the bed, cracking up with laughter and hunger for him. He again moves along my scar, kissing, biting, running his finger along the length. My naval, forget it. He's just laid claim to another erogenous zone. How many more do I have for him to lay claim too? The way he's going, Chakotay will find them all.
He cradles my hips in his hands, finding my mole. Not overly noticeable, but a unique distinguishing mark. He kisses it, as if paying homage to the maker. He then positions himself between my legs and looks up at me. I meet his eyes and smile. Believe it or not, none of my former lovers have done this to me, made love to me like he was about too.
"Kathryn?" My name the question.
"Please," I respond, feeling his warm breath on my most sensitive area. I was in for a new chapter of my life.
I throw my head back at first contact, squeezing my eyes closed, hands grasping at the bedspread.
In the still of the night.