Disclaimer: Mr. Berman, didn’t you learn your lesson with Unforgettable. Why do you cheapen Chakotay so? You can keep them if your going to treat them like that.
It was an accident. Of that I’m sure. Okay, maybe not an accident. But I didn’t go into the Jeffrey’s tube with the intention of falling and bumping my head, cracking a couple of ribs and breaking a leg. Doc kept telling me about how I needed to slow down, see where my feet were going.
"Sure." I answered. I thought that B’Elanna had a death wish. I was wrong. I feel like I have one, too. Maybe it’s catching.
I wasn’t paying attention. Simple as that. My mind was on Chakotay. Stupid. ‘Oh, go ahead, have fun on your fling.’ I don’t. . .can’t fault him, I guess. After all, it’s not as if I’ve ever given him the go ahead to pursue me. It’s just now, more then ever. . .it. . . hurts.
I’ve never been a woman that needed a man. I just never felt I had to lean on anyone to help me keep my perspective. Put this into a picture, Kathryn. We’re best friends. Close confidants. Co-workers. So, why take it further?
Damnation. It’s not as if I hadn’t thought of it. I have. But we have such a precocious relationship. Built on trust, built on understanding, mutual respect.
When I found out exactly what he’d been involved with, I almost lost it. For God’s sake. . .I was hit by one of their blasts on the Borg ship. I could have died. What about Harry? Harry could have died from one encounter with them. Kes. . .my little pixie. . .her contact with them heightened her telepathic abilities which made her leave us before her time.
One word Chakotay. Control. You have no excuse. Just because I won’t ‘put out’, doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m the one who has to be clearheaded. You find a woman who’ll give you a tumble and wham! It hits me like an earthquake. It hurts Chakotay. Really it does. I may not show it but it’s there.
Maybe you think I’m unfeeling. Maybe you think I’m unreachable. I’m not.
So, I sit here in sickbay, waiting for Doc to let me go. Harry comes in and offers to see me back to my quarters. I take him up on his offer.
"What’s good for the goose. . ." I begin.
"Captain?" Harry asks.
"What’s good for the goose is good for the gander." An old earth saying." I say, limping along slightly beside him.
"Ah. I see." He said. Not saying anymore, Harry said multitudes.
As we go past Chakotay’s quarters, I hear the his door open. I ignore it. He didn’t even have the courtesy to come and see how I was.
Harry stopped at my door. "If there is anything I can do for you, captain, let me know." I smiled, patted his shoulder and limped into my quarters. I was tired, but too tired to sleep. I sat on my couch, my leg stretched out in front of me, staring at the stars. Seems it wasn’t that long ago I was in here, in the dark, telling Chakotay I had no desire to play games with him on the holodeck. If only I had taken him up on his offer.
If only.
My door chimes. I know it’s him. I’m not really ready to talk to him; to see him. I’m still upset, I’m still hurt in more ways then one. But I know he’ll override my door if I don’t let him in, so I do.
"Come."
He steps inside my quarters, just enough for the door to slide shut behind him. I don’t look at him. I rub my side where my ribs had cracked. It was still tender.
"Kathryn." He says. That’s all he says.
"If you don’t mind, Chakotay, I’m not really in the mood for any heart to heart discussions." I say quietly.
"But I feel. . ."
"So do I." I look up at him for the first time. He’s still in the shadows. "And I’m not feeling so hot right now. So if you don’t mind, I’d really like to be alone."
Silence followed that statement and I went back to watching the stars. I don’t know how long we stayed like that.
"What happened?" He said.
"I fell. Simple accident." Yeah, and tell him that your mind wasn’t on the rungs of the ladder. Tell him you were thinking about him.
"I’m sorry."
"It’s a little too late for that, Chakotay." I looked up at him. "Every time, we end up having this same discussion. Let me guess; you feel guilty, you feel used. That’s it in a nutshell, isn’t it."
"I guess." He whispered.
"So, I guess you’ll have to forgive me if I’m not in a talkative mood." I got up slowly, wincing slightly. I took a step toward my bedroom. "I think you know the way to the door, Chakotay. Good night."
I took another step and felt something give on my side. Damn rib. I fought it, but it was such a sensation.
"Kathryn?"
"Please, just leave me alone." I turned, my face probably betraying a whole lot more then my pain from my fall. "You want me to forgive you, it’s not that easy. You want me to feel sorry for you; that you’ve been used. Fine. You made your bed, Chakotay. Now you have to lie in it." I took a step closer to him. I’d hurt him, but right now, I didn’t give a God damn.
"Kathryn. . ."
"No. We’re friends. Nothing more, nothing less."
"Nothing more, nothing less." He repeated.
"Just answer me one thing. Does it ever occur to you that love just doesn’t happen overnight?" I cocked my head and rubbed at my side again.
"Of course it has."
"Then why do you continue to do it? Let women use you?" I didn’t let him finish. Four years of pain, four years of denial, four years of regret hit me then. I wasn’t going to forgive and forget. Not this time. "You never give me a chance. Did you ever stop to think about why I don’t pursue something with you?"
He shifted on his feet. He was uncomfortable now. Good.
"I’m tired of fighting this battle with you. You stray, then you come crawling back to me like some adulterous husband, wanting retribution for your sins. You think that coming back here makes everything all right. It doesn’t."
I stepped up to him. "What would you think if I did the exact same thing? You would walk around like a wounded puppy dog. I’ve had opportunities and haven’t taken one up yet. But you. . ."
"Now wait just a minute, Kathryn. . ."Oh, no. I’d been silent too damn long.
"No, you wait a minute. Do you think I should just sit idly by and watch you get hurt time after time after time? It’s bullshit Chakotay, and I don’t need, nor want it."
He turned to leave then. If ever a wedge had been put between us, I had just done it. Big time. I reached out for him, but it happened then. Something pulled loose in my side and all I could see was white. My hearing became static and all I felt was white hot pain. The floor rushed at me and from far away, I heard a voice.
"Kathryn."
I don’t know how long I was out. Nor do I care. All I knew was that I awoke in my bed. Covered by my blankets, my body aching and covered in a cold sweat. My side throbbed. Then I saw him, in a chair pulled over. His legs were stretched out in front of him, arms crossed over his chest. Chin resting on his chest. Sound asleep. I tried to get up, but only succeeded in falling back on my bed with a groan.
"Let that be a lesson to you." He said.
I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. "Go away."
"No."
"I said leave. I don’t need you."
"Yes you do."
"No. I don’t need you for anything."
His face took on this most hurt look. Good. He deserved it. He’d hurt me. "Kathryn, you’re being unfair."
"No, I’m not."
"Are."
"Look, just leave me alone. We’re friends. You go and do whatever you want, with anyone you want. I don’t want to hear about it, know about it or anything else. I don’t want you crawling in here, looking for redemption when your heart gets broken. I don’t want to listen to your excuses."
"If that’s the way you want it? Fine, Kathryn." He turned to leave.
"No." I whispered. "I don’t. I just wanted to say it, get it out." I turned on my side, away from him. "What’s good for the goose is good for the gander."
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing. Just an old saying." I said. I closed my eyes and pretended to go back to sleep. I felt his hand on my forehead, his breath on my face. I felt the ghost of kiss against my cheek.
"I’m sorry Kathryn. Sorry for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you."
"Chakotay?" I asked as I heard him leave.
"Yes?"
I needed the last word. Had to have it. "What goes around, comes around. Just remember that."
With that, I went to sleep. One way or another, Chakotay would find out what it felt like to be betrayed whole heartedly by one you supposedly love. I would seek a way. He’s not the only one who can have a liaison.
Then maybe he’ll understand.
**Finish**