Disclaimer: Paramount can have it if they really really want it, but I sort of doubt they do.
BTW: If you have something against two adult spiders having consentual sex and the female devouring the male after the act, then...hey, it's nature.
Paramount Pictures PresentsÖ
A Washington State Production
A Mindy Vision in co-operation Mother Nature
"A Tale of Two Spiders"
Starring: Mindy, the Narrator, Tuvok, the dejected spider
Special appearance by: Constable Odo, Major Kira, Harry Legs, Seven of Eight, Tom Paris
It was a typical Saturday evening here in the Evergreen State. I was sitting at the kitchen table, working on my latest endeavors. Outside the kitchen window, framed by a beautiful blue skyóKathryn Webway. Her eight legs exposed to the warm afternoon air. Her brown skin hinting at a late summer tan.
I was paying no mind, since Charlotte has taken up residence outside the other kitchen window and Mrs. Emma Peel sits outside my bedroom window, anxiously awaiting the arrival of her husband, coming in on a transcontinental flight.
The tv, in the background, is playing the excellent rerun of DS9ís "His Way" in which some wise people, after years of longing looks, puppy dog eyes and scornful remarks, Odo and Kira finally get it together and they lay one on each other in the middle of the promenade with the population of the station looking on and salivating. . .
Damn, I got off the story.
Kathryn is sitting in her web, translucent from my point of view. She is relaxed, poised. Waiting. For what, I couldnít tell you. Iíve been fighting with the local spider population now since the end of June. My, what a mild winter does to the bug population.
Tom and BíElanna are outside the utility room window. Tom has apparently gotten past BíElannaís Klingon defences. We close the curtain on those two and remember that right outside, in full view of this voyeur, is Kathryn Webway, Queen of the Webs. Leader of the long legged ones.
Some bird calls and enters Chakotay Long Legs (known from here on out as Chakotay), stage right. Kathryn looks bigger, meaner, more powerful, but Chakotay doesnít sway from his agenda. Heís come to her ready room with a purpose and nothing, but nothing will keep him from it.
Chakotay has in his favor, very little. Longer legs, more determination. After all, there is only one spider he wants to mate with and it isnít Charlotte down the way. He wants Kathryn Webway.
Itís the same story. He chases her, she runs. She turns from him, to escape his feelings. He goes after her, dropping about three feet in one second flat. He looks a little stunned. Heís been slapped down by Webway too many times to not come crawling back. He makes his way back up.
Kathryn lies in wait. She wants it. Knows she wants it. Her libido is in over-drive. Sex is imminent. But Kathryn isnít sure how to go about it. She wants to let Chakotay in, but the nature of their game only leads to one possible outcomeÖ
He crawls back up, keeping a respectable distance. Letís get our spider microphone out and listen inÖ
"Come on, Kathryn. You know itís meant to be. You canít deny your feelings any longer." Chakotay circles around her. Kathryn keeps all eyes on him as he navigates around and closer to her.
"Iím not denying anything. Nature is dictating that I must mate now, or die. So far, youíre the only likely candidate." Kathryn sighs and crosses the front two legs.
"Remember, you have no safety web. And this time, there isnít plenty of time." Chakotay says, circling around and stroking her back leg with one of his front lets. A shudder ripples through her taut body.
"But donít you see? I want you, Iíll have you, then I will have to kill you. I will mate with you then eat you. It seems all rather one sided to me." Kathryn says, turning to Chakotay. Before he can respond, Tuvok intervenes from the orchestra pit.
"Excuse me, captain. But itís been almost seven years and frankly, I find you the only other tolerable female to mate with." He gets within touching distance of Webway and she chases him off. In the distance, Seven of Eight is finishing off Harry Legs and cocks a couple of eyes Tuvokís way.
"I think Seven of Eight has an opening." Kathryn says, turning her attention back to Chakotay. She notices the intricate design on Chakotayís back and reaches out a leg to trace it.
"I know the risks, Kathryn. But if we have sex, then part of me will live on the thousands of children weíll produce." Chakotay makes his way closer, pulling Kathryn to him.
"It doesnít bother you that Iíll have to eat you after we mate?"
"No. If it means spending just one night wrapped around your legs, then itís all worth it." Chakotay says.
I turn pull down the shades as Kathryn and Chakotay begin the dance of doomed lovers. Shrieks, moaning and groaning are heard through the microphone. Soon, small whisps of smoke arise from Kathryn web and a few minutes later, I hear the crunching sound of what can only be called dinner. Chakotay screams out her name each and every bite, until his voice is silenced.
Kathryn sits back in her web, four legs caressing her swollen middle. She wonders who theyíll look like. Will they have Chakotayís intricate design and long legs or her sharp wit and quick reflexes. Only time will tell.