Scattered to the Wind

Disclaimer: Hail mighty mountain known as paramount.

"Scattered to the Wind"

By Mindy


Three figures sat in the floor. One, with a long dark braid down her back, sat with her knees drawn up, arms clasped loosely around them. She rocked back and forth and hummed. The second, a striking young man with perpetually tanned skin, held a dried rose in his hand. The third, another girl, sat with her back against the couch, her mind miles away.

Finally, the young man spoke. "I'm not really in the mood for this." He declared, setting the rose down.

"None of us are, James, but it has to be done." The girl leaning against the couch replied.

"Don't speak for Laura," He said, pointing to the girl, sitting and humming. Oblivious to the world around her. "She wouldn't know if you were holding a phaser to her head."

"Give her some credit, will you. Laura is special." She said, eyeing her sister carefully.

"She's an idiot." James said.

Maria shot her brother a deadly look. "Well, sometimes you act like one, too. It must run in the family."

James glared at Maria, who gave equal glare back. Neither had noticed that the humming and rocking had stopped from their sister. Maria turned to see Laura's small hand reach out to a picture. Maria smiled as her sisters long tapered fingers glided over the picture, outlining the smiles of the two people in the picture.

Poppa, Laura said in her mind. Mother.

James grabbed the picture from her roughly. Laura's blue eyes flied open at his intrusion. They sat staring at each other as Maria's mind flashed on an episode similar, years back.

**

Eight year old Maria sat at her mothers desk in their quarters. She had been coloring, making starbursts with her crayons on black paper. She concentrated intensely on her task, barely registering her seven year old brother sitting in the floor with an ancient book in front of him.

Maria heard the shower turn off in the bathroom and knew soon that her father would soon be coming out to start dinner. Her mother had been down in engineering, helping B'Elanna with some modifications. Maria had suppressed a giggle that morning as her mother calmly listened to B'Elanna swear she wasn't letting 'that woman' near her warp core. Her mother had thrown her a look, then smiled herself.

Soon enough, her father came out, wearing a maroon shirt and black slacks. He smiled as crossed the room. James noticed his fathers arrival, but was too engrossed in the book. Maria looked up and smiled at him. Her father's smile increased. She liked her daddy's smile. It always put her at ease.

She went back to her drawing, picking out a white crayon and scrutinizing the picture, then returning the white in place of a pale yellow. She had decided that this would be a narrow band in her starburst. As her father began making dinner, the door swished open to reveal her mom.

"Just what I like to see." Her mother said, coming in and setting a PADD down on the desk. Maria's hand reached over to look at it but her mother's hand swatted it away. She shook her head at Maria and mouthed 'after dinner'. Maria smiled and went back to her coloring. Her mother ruffled Maria's hair and stooped down to James, inquiring about what he was reading. Finally, she went to her husband.

Maria loved to watch her parents. She always imagined them the molds for the romantic roles she'd seen in plays on talent night and the fairy tales in which the dashing prince saved the beautiful lady who was in danger. She tried not to watch them, but her eyes were always drawn to them.

Her mother walked silently to her father, as he watched her every move. His eyes sparkling more the closer she got. His arms went instantly around her waist, pulling her close to him. Maria's heart fluttered as she watched her mother reach up and stroke his cheek. His head came down and they kissed. Maria watched her brother stick his tongue out the open display of affection between her parents. She pulled away and looked dreamily into his eyes.

"Go get a shower and changed. By the time you're done, dinner should be ready." He said letting her go. She walked through the living room toward their bedroom. Maria heard the water turn on. She went back to her coloring. She was annoyed when she saw her brother a short time later, reach up and grab the PADD her mother had put on her desk and told her not to look at.

"James!" Maria protested, making a grab for it. He ran around the room, effectively keeping it out of reach of his sisters hands. "Mom said after dinner. Dad," She said, reaching again and failing to retrieve the PADD. "James has moms PADD when she said to not touch it."

Her father looked at her and smiled. "James, put the PADD back on the desk." James jumped onto the couch and held it just out of his sisters reach. He lowered it down to read what was on it.

"Daddy, what does 'gess-ta-shional period' mean?" Maria watched as her father straightened up, and a look of fright passed over his features.

"God, no." He whispered, then headed toward their bedroom. Maria grabbed the PADD from her brother and quickly looked at it. She thought she understood, but wasn't sure. She put the PADD back on her mothers desk and sat down.

James came up beside her and nudged her in the side. "Come on," he whispered. "Something's happening." Maria, with feet that moved of their own accord, followed her brother to the door leading to their parents room. They crouched down to escape detection as they watched their parents.

". . .how could this happen, Kathryn? We've taken all the precautions so it wouldn't happen again."

"I know. But even you know that there are sometimes accidents." Kathryn belted her robe around her waist.

"You should have had the hysterectomy when you had James. It would have been the best thing." He said, following her movements with his eyes.

"Don't you think I know that, Chakotay? But we thought we'd let nature play it's course. It's been seven years since James. I honestly thought I'd begun menopause."

"But you know what Doc said. After James. . ." Chakotay began. He hated to think of those days. Kathryn knelt in front of him, taking his hands in hers.

"I know. And Chakotay, I'm scared. Really scared. This frightens me more then you could possibly know." Maria watched tears begin to slide down her mothers face.

"So am I, Kathryn. I don't want to lose you." Chakotay said, gently wiping at her tears.

"You won't." She said.

"Kathryn, you can't guarantee that. Maria was hard enough on you. We almost lost James. Doc said if you got pregnant again, he couldn't guarantee that you or the baby would make it. How can you think of taking such a risk again?" Chakotay said.

"Because I have to." Kathryn put a hand to her middle. "I can't destroy life. I can't. I have to try." She said. Maria looked at her brother, who looked about as confused as she thought she did.

"But Kathryn," Chakotay began.

"No buts. I've already relieved myself of command for the next seven months. You'll be acting captain with Tuvok as first officer. I'll give advice, but I'm taking it easy. I can spend time with Maria and James and I won't be stressed." She leaned up and kissed him. "I'll be all right. We'll be all right." She squeezed his hands.

"Momma?" Maria asked, unable to remain quiet or hidden any longer. Chakotay and Kathryn turned toward their two children, who were both now standing in the door way. For once, James was quiet.

"Oh, Maria. Come here." Kathryn said, reaching her arm out toward her daughter. "You too, James." She said and the little boy, who was a quiet as his father, ran for her too.

"Are you going to die, momma?" Maria asked. Her eyes full of concern. Chakotay helped Kathryn up and onto the bed next to him while they each pulled one of their children into their laps.

"No, honey. Not for a long time, I hope." Kathryn said, hugging her daughter to her. She looked at Chakotay and he nodded at her to tell them.

"Maria, James, remember how you were taught about babies at school?" They both nodded that they remembered the class taught by Doc. "Well, daddy and I are going to have another one."

"But daddy said you weren't supposed to have anymore." Maria said, remembering what Chakotay had said while the two listened.

"I'm not." Kathryn looked again at Chakotay. She took a deep breath and began. "See, while I like having babies, my body doesn't."

"Why not?" James asked, from Chakotay's lap.

"Well, my body doesn't cooperate like other mom's on the ship. When I had you," She said, squeezing Maria's shoulder. "I had a very hard time. Having you took a lot out of me. Doc suggested highly that I not have anymore babies."

"But you had me." James pointed out.

"Yes, honey. I had you. And the whole time, I was very sick. Instead of gaining weight, I lost it. A lot of it. Doc took me off duty when I was five months along. When you came into the world, you tried to come out all at once, knees and head together. It was very touch and go with you. Because of your position, your chest was crushed and Doc and Tom had to work very fast to get you breathing."

"So that's what you meant when daddy said Doc had told you no more babies, because having us was too hard on you."

"Yes, Maria." Chakotay said. "Your mommy isn't suppose to have anymore babies, but sometimes, nature says otherwise."

"Will the new baby die?" Maria asked.

"Not if I can help it." Kathryn said. "That's why daddy is going to be in command from now until the baby is born."

"You mean it, momma? You're going to be here with us?" James said.

"Can I feel it, momma?" Maria asked. Kathryn took Maria's hand and put over her stomach.

"It's too small to see or feel right now, but this is where it's going grow." Kathryn said. She felt James' little hand join that of her daughters, then Chakotay's hand covered Kathryn's. He looked at his wife.

"It will be all right." He said. Four hands of four separate people covered over the little baby that nestled deep within Kathryn.

**

Maria's ninth birthday came and went. James' eighth birthday came and went and Kathryn continued to grow. The two children were fascinated by the way their mothers body was changing. They did all sorts of things for their mother, since they were scared if they didn't, she'd be taken from them and their new sibling. They would talk about what they wanted.

"I want a brother." James said one day when Kathryn was in her seventh month. Their mother was in her room, taking a nap. Maria, like her father, constantly worried about her.

"I don't care what it is, as long as it and mom are all right." Maria said. She had been picking up stuff for her mom so she wouldn't have to worry or as her dad called it "stress".

"Maria, what happens if mommy dies?" James asked her.

"I don't know. Daddy says she'll go to the spirit world, where she won't feel pain anymore. Neelix said she goes to a great forest where she waits for us and watches out over us." Maria said. "But mommy won't die. She's been very careful. She'll be okay." Maria said, trying to convince her brother.

The two continued to work, then indulged in their favorite activities. Kathryn had given Maria permission to design the babies room. Maria had decided on her star bursts, in pastel colors. She was busy working out a color scheme. James had taken up another book. He wanted to read an epic and had picked "Shogun" from the ships library.

"Chakotay to Maria." Maria smiled at her daddy's voice. This had become the routine since that night five months before when they had set on the bed and discussed what was going on.

"I'm here daddy."

"I should be there in a few minutes. How's mommy?" Chakotay couldn't keep the concern out of his voice. Kathryn occupied his thoughts during the day.

"She's been asleep since lunch, daddy. She hasn't made. . ." She said and was interrupted by a blood curdling scream. Maria ran for her mothers room.

"Maria. . ." She could hear her fathers voice.

"Mommy!" She cried. James followed her into the room. Kathryn lie on the floor, trying to get up, but not getting anywhere. Maria saw blood on the floor and on the sheets of the bed which Kathryn had been lying. She ran to her mother, crouching on the floor beside her mother. "James, go get daddy. He's coming home. Hurry."

Maria put her small arms around her mother and held her as she cried. Kathryn's head rested on Maria's chest. "Shh. Mommy, it's going to be all right. Daddy will be right here. He'll help you." She ran her hands over her mothers hair.

"I'm scared." Kathryn whispered. The loss of blood was getting to her.

"I know you are mommy. But it's going to be okay. You'll be okay. The baby will be okay." Maria started rocking her mother, trying to comfort her in some small way. That's the way Chakotay found her, being held in his eldest daughter arms. James was behind him, waiting to see what was going to happen. As Chakotay picked her up, Kathryn screamed again.

"Daddy?" Maria asked, following him to the door.

"Stay here and watch your brother." He ordered.

"No!" Maria said. "We're coming too. She's our mommy and we want to be with her." She grabbed James' hand.

"Maria, I don't have to time to argue." Chakotay said, going through the door. Maria and James continued to follow their parents. Maria tapped the comm badge she'd begun wearing five months ago. "Maria to Doctor. Daddy's bringing mommy in. It's an emergency." She said. The doctor acknowledged her.

"It hurts." Kathryn whimpered.

"I know it does Kathryn. Just hold on."

"Hurts." She said.

**

Maria and James sat in the doctors small office. The could hear their mother screaming, scaring them both terribly. But what was worse was the silence. It was these long periods of nothing that scared Maria more then anything. James would get up and look out the window occasionally, seeing Tom go for something, or their father pacing behind the curtain.

"She can't die. She just can't" Maria kept saying to herself.

Hours passed. Minutes slowly ticked by. Soon, their very tired looking father came into the office. He knelt down beside the two, looking at each for long moments. He took one hand of each child and looked at them.

"Mommy?" Maria whispered.

"Mommy is very sick, Maria. She's in a very deep sleep called a coma right now. It's because she lost a lot of blood."

Maria's lip began to tremble. "It's my fault. If I'd checked on her. . ."

"No, Maria, honey. That wouldn't have made a difference. Mommy knew this might happen if. . .well, she knew."

"What about the baby?" James asked quietly.

"She's very small and weak and very fragile. Doc has put her in an incubator."

"She had a girl? We have a sister?" Maria said. Chakotay nodded his head.

"She weighs about four and a half pounds and she is very little."

"Can we see her?" James asked. "Mommy and the baby?"

Chakotay got up and took his two eldest children with him. They stopped by the incubator first, peering into the glass to see their little sister. She had tubes running into her nose and feeding tubes in her arms. On her head was a little pink hat, to keep her body heat.

"When can we hold her?" Maria whispered, afraid she'd wake the baby.

"Not until the doctor says so. But you can feel her. Put your hand in there." He indicated to the small holes in the side of the chamber. Maria put her hand into one and James put a hand in the other. Each delicately ran their fingers over their little sister. One little hand held onto Maria's finger.

"Oh daddy. She's so pretty. Have you picked out a name?"

"No, we haven't. Kathryn wanted to wait."

"Can we see mommy, now?" James asked. Chakotay led them to a small room at the back of sickbay. Both Tom and Doc looked up from the cleaning and gave the family small grins. Maria looked at her mother and quietly went over and looked at her mothers quiet face. James went to stand by his sister.

"She's so pretty." Maria said. She took one of her mothers hands.

"Mommy?" James asked. "Wake up." He said.

"She can't wake up, James." Chakotay said quietly, brushing Kathryn's hair from her forehead.

"Daddy, can she hear us?" Maria asked.

"Yes, most likely she can." Maria leaned close to her mother and whispered in her ear.

"Mommy, you have to get well, so you can name the baby. She's really pretty mommy. She looks like you. She's little like a doll. Please?" She kissed her mothers cheek and leaned in closer. "Mommy, I need you."

**

Maria ran down the corridor, her brown ponytail flying out behind her. She rounded a corner and ran smack into Tom Paris. He held the little girl by the shoulder.

"Whoa, Miss. Janeway. Where are you going in such a rush?" He gave her a friendly smile.

"To see mommy and my sister." She said.

"Well," He said, releasing her shoulders and standing up. "carry on." He said. Maria gave him a smile and a salute.

"Yes, sir." And she took off again toward sickbay. Maria didn't mind it. She rather enjoyed the time with her mother. The only shadow was the sad reality that in four week, now coming up on five, her mother had not woken once. But she continued her ritual. She was rather mad at James. He didn't seem to have much interest in their sister. One day, while their dad was in the shower, James blamed their sister for their mothers coma. Maria had told him that he was wrong.

She entered sickbay and gave the doctor a nod. Today, she visited the nursery first, where her still nameless sister lived. Maria was surprised to see Samantha Wildman in there with the baby.

"Good afternoon, Maria. Here to see your sister?"

"Uh huh. I switch off everyday. Today, I see her first." Maria said, going over to the incubator and reaching in to touch her sister.

"Would you like to feed her?" Sam asked. Maria turned and looked at her.

"Really? I can really hold her?"

"She's gained weight and the doctor let your dad feed her this morning. I was just about to myself." Sam said.

"Yes. I would like to. I've been wanting to hold her a long time." Maria went over and sat herself in a rocker the doctor had replicated. Her feet dangled over the seat. She watched as Sam expertly picked up the baby and bring her over to her waiting sister.

"Easy now. Put your arm. . . yes, that's it. She's not too heavy, is she?" Sam said, before going to retrieve the bottle of formula.

"Oh no." Maria said, holding the small warm bundle in her arms. "She's just right." Sam brought the bottle over and helped Maria feed the baby. When she was done, Sam gently took her and Maria went into the small room where her mother was.

Chakotay sat by her bed, just holding Kathryn's hand. Maria came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Daddy, you go home and get some rest. I'll stay with mommy for a while."

"You sure, honey?" Chakotay asked, noting how much like Kathryn, Maria was.

"I'll tell her about school." Maria said, switching places with her father. "I fed the baby." She said proudly.

"You did?" Chakotay asked. He had finally gotten to hold his youngest today.

"Sam was there. She asked me if I wanted to feed her. She is so sweet. She has this really neat baby smell." Maria said, pulling a PADD from her little pack.

"All right. I'll go make some dinner and I'll be back in a bit. Is James back in the quarters?" Chakotay asked.

"He says he doesn't like seeing mommy like this. That's why he stays away." Maria said.

"I'll talk to your brother." He started toward the door. "I'll be back later."

"Okay." Maria said. She lifted her hand to her mothers hair, brushing away a strand that fell into her face.

"Hi mommy. It's me, Maria." She said. "We've begun studying ancient earth history. It is really fascinating. I was talking to 'lanna and Harry during lunch today and I told them what we were studying. They said we should really have a ship historian, to really document this voyage. Not just what we've seen, but the people and impressions. Harry said it's like painting a picture with words. Don't get mad mommy, but I don't want to be a scientist anymore. I would like to be a historian."

Maria pulled out one of her PADD's. "Today, we talked about the pioneering effort of the 1800's. The types of clothing they wore, modes of transportation. We even got to read some of the stories and journals of the time period." Maria began reading from a story. She read and read and read. Finally, Maria put the book aside.

"Mommy, you have to come back to us. James is blaming the baby for you being asleep. Daddy doesn't sleep enough, between watching the ship, watching you and the baby and taking care of us. Doc always looks real concerned when daddy's in here." Maria let out a small cry. "The baby doesn't have a name yet. Mommy, it's so sad without you here. You are, what Harry says, a guiding force. Everyone is quiet, no one laughs anymore." She moved so she could lay her head beside Kathryn's.

"Listen to me, please mommy. The baby needs you. She is so pretty. Daddy says she looks just like you. I got to hold her the first time today. So did daddy. We need you. I can't imagine not having you here, mommy. I miss your hugs and your tickles. Daddy needs someone to love and so does James. Please, if you can't come back for me, come back for them."

Maria continued to stroke Kathryn's hand and talk to her, until silently, she fell asleep.

**

It was dark. She couldn't see anything. Disconnected, blind. She remembered a little. How she'd tried to get up after a nap and realized she had been bleeding. Her legs unable to hold her, sending her to the floor. Maria's startled cry as she ran into the room. Her daughter holding her, rocking her as the pain flowed and ebbed. Chakotay picking her up and her screaming.

She remembered how Chakotay had ordered Maria to stay with James. How she'd heard her daughters indignant voice telling him no, that she was their mommy and they were going too. She recalled telling Chakotay that it hurt and him telling her he knew.

Sickbay, the back bed. She heard Doc telling her that there was no way to stop the labor, that she was going to have to do this the old fashioned way. She screamed when he felt the doctor turn the baby so it wasn't breached. The warmth of Chakotay's arms around her, trying to keep her warm and offer support. She cried at the stinging and the burning and the tearing. She remembered using her strength, trying to push the baby out, to end this torture. She remembered the doctors words eight years before. . .

'I can't guarantee your life or that of your baby if you become pregnant again.'

Kathryn remembered the final push, the one that had caused the most god awful scream. The one where she felt the baby slide out of her body. She collapsed against Chakotay as the doctor put the tiny baby on her abdomen. Her last thoughts in the waking world were of Chakotay, who kept talking to her, telling her to hold on. Her two oldest children, Maria and James, trying so hard to make her pregnancy easier, of her tiny baby girl, whom she hadn't thought of a name for.

"I need you, Kathryn."

"Please mommy, I need you."

"She looks like a little doll."

"She finally weighs enough to hold. I fed her this morning."

"James blames the baby for your sleeping."

"Mommy, I need you."

Kathryn fought against the darkness. She was needed. She pushed against the darkness and heard a voice. Maria's. Reading her a story.

"Listen to me, please mommy. The baby needs you. She is so pretty. Daddy says she looks just like you. I got to hold her the first time today. So did daddy. We need you. I can't imagine not having you here, mommy. I miss your hugs and your tickles. Daddy needs someone to love and so does James. Please, if you can't come back for me, come back for them."

She could now see. The heaviness of darkness was lifting. She was going home.

**

Her eyes opened. Kathryn blinked at the sudden brightness. She felt something on her hand and slowly turned her head to see the dark hair of her oldest daughter. She was still holding onto Kathryn's hand and fast asleep. Kathryn reached over with her other hand and stroked the dark head.

Maria slowly awoke and looked at her mother, whose eyes were open and her lips smiling.

"Mommy!" Maria yelled as Kathryn hugged her daughter to her.

**

"Easy. One step at a time." Chakotay guided Kathryn carefully into the nursery in sickbay. He set her down on the rocking chair, with James and Maria standing at each of Kathryn's shoulder. Chakotay went over and picked up his daughter and brought her over to her mother. Kathryn reached out, a smile on her face as the baby was placed in her arms for the first time.

"Well, hello little one." The baby looked up at her and clasped one of Kathryn's fingers. "I'm your mommy."

"Looks like she remembers you." Chakotay said. Kathryn laid the baby gently on her lap and unwrapped the child, looking over her as she had with her eldest two. The little one gazed up at Kathryn with recognition.

"We need to name her." Kathryn says. "We can't keep calling her 'baby'."

"We didn't discuss any. We kept arguing about names." Chakotay said.

Kathryn played with the baby, making baby sounds to her. She looked up to Maria. "Honey, you were reading me a story from school. What was the name of the little girl?"

Maria thought a moment. "Laura. Her name was Laura." Kathryn looked at Chakotay and he looked at her.

"Well, what do you think?"

"You're asking my opinion?" Chakotay asked her.

"Of course."

Chakotay looked at his two oldest children, then to the little girl in Kathryn's lap. "I like it. I think it fits her."

"I do, too."


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