Disclaimer: Does it really matter? I'm not doing this for profit, only the enjoyment of using Paramount's characters and series.

"Her Name Was Kathryn"

By Mindy

I stand in the doorway, watching her nurse our son. She can't see me and I'm glad she can't as it would destroy the mood. A smile plays on her lips, contentment in her carriage. She runs a finger down the little cheek.

But she isn't the same. Not the same Kathryn Janeway I fell in love with. She became lost two years ago, on some God forsaken planet. This Kathryn is nothing more then a mere shadow of the one who once commanded this ship. Yet, I love her every bit as much as the woman I knew.

Kathryn looks up and she sees me. Again she smiles. For a moment, there is something in her eyes, as if she remembers. Then just as quickly, it's gone. That, I think is what hurts the most. She turns her attention back to our son.

**

I'll never forget that day, two years ago. Kathryn had been suffering from cabin fever and had put herself on the away team. Somehow, she became separated from us. It took us hours to find her. When the search team did, there was no emotion in the words Tom spoke.

"Sir, we found her."

"Tom?" I asked. I had paced the bridge for hours, probably and most surely, driving everyone crazy in the process.

"It isn't good. I'm not even sure she's alive. I'm having her beamed up to sickbay." He said. For Tom to have no emotion in his voice was like a stab in the gut with a dull knife.

"Tom?" I asked again.

"Don't be there when we beam up, Chakotay. You don't want to see this-see her like this." And with that, he closed the line. I looked at Tuvok and I saw the worry on his face.

I went off duty a short time later, leaving the bridge to Tuvok. I respected Tom's advice and I stayed away from sickbay. But that didn't stop me from hailing the doctor to check on her progress. Even from his tone, I could tell it wasn't good.

"If she makes it through the night, she may make it. That's all I can really tell you, commander. There isn't much more I can do. I'm sorry."

So was I. My best friend and commanding officer was in sickbay, near death. All the things I'd ever wanted to say to her went through my mind. They spun in circles and overlapped and the voice began laughing. It was cruel, but I couldn't allow myself to believe that I could lose her.

I sat and meditated, reaching my spirit guide, asking for guidance. She told me that all would be fine, but all would be different.

"Don't speak in riddles, friend. The truth, if you will." I said.

"It is the truth, son. All will be fine, but prepare yourself for a difference." I came out of my trance, knowing that when I did see Kathryn, when Kathryn was awake, I would tell all, confess to her my secrets, tell her that I love her and if need be, prove it. No more running, no more circling. At least she would know how I felt about her.

I slept fitfully through that night. I wouldn't be doing Kathryn any good by making myself sick over my worry for her. It wouldn't serve any purpose and I knew she would chew me out in the end. All night, she haunted my dreams; running through mazes in which I could only catch a glimpse of her. She coming to me and holding out her hand, only to disappear when I reached out to grab it. Kathryn turning into a bird and flying away, singing a song only she knew. All night long, I was tormented.

The next morning, I got the hail from Doc that I could come and see her. I practically ran to sickbay. Tuvok had hailed me a few minutes before to tell me that the bridge was covered, if I wanted the time off. I thanked him, thinking he knew what this was doing to me.

Doc stopped me just inside the door and took me to his office. Apparently, what he had to say was vital.

"Evidently, the captain has suffered from a fall from a great height."

"She fell?" I questioned.

"Apparently so. I'm not going to lie to you, commander. She's lucky she's hung on this long with the amount of injuries she received."

"Which were?" I prompted.

"Eight broken ribs, one punctured lung, ruptured spleen, massive internal bleeding. Left arm broken in three places, left hand smashed. Left leg broken in two places. Displaced hip. Sprained right wrist and ankle. Heavy head and spinal cord trauma."

How could anyone survive as long as she did? I thought of her strong will, hoping that had seen her through. The doctor continued. "I've managed to repair the damage to her, but the head and spinal cord are the ones I'm worried about."

"How bad?" I whispered.

"I would venture to say, that most of the captains motor abilities; speech, mobility, may be impaired. Since the most of the brain damage occurred in the memory center, I'd guess to say that she is going to remember very little."

That hurt. Everything that made Kathryn what and who she was, seemed by the doctors words, to be gone. Kathryn Janeway was no more.

I moved like a zombie into the room where he had put her. Tucked away from the main area of sickbay, trying to preserve some of Kathryn's privacy. I saw her, couldn't believe what he had said.

Doc hadn't fixed everything. She still had bruises on her face, cuts and scratches on every part of her skin that was exposed to sight.

"Oh, Kathryn." I whispered, standing beside her, taking her hand gently in mine. The touch did something, for Kathryn opened her eyes. She focused on me and held my eyes. Her mouth moved, trying to talk, yet nothing came out.

"Shhh, Kathryn. Don't talk. You've had an accident, but you're going to be better. You need to rest." I wanted to reassure her, but I wasn't sure I could do it. My own grief was threatening to overpower me and make me turn into a sobbing shell of a man. I wanted, so much at the time, for my spirit to join hers, to remain with my Kathryn forever.

But those steely blue eyes held onto me, trying to search out something, like she did when she doubted herself or me.

"Cha . . . tay." She uttered, then her eyes fell closed again.

Kathryn remembered at least my name. And never had a sound filled my soul as her voice had.

**

As the days went by, Kathryn regained her strength. It became painfully clear how bad her fall had been, what it had cost her. She couldn't walk, and would have to be taught, her speech was fragmented and broken. Her arm didn't want to move. But that wasn't the worst of it.

She had almost total amnesia. She remembered bits and pieces of her life. She knew her family, knew she was in Starfleet and that she was a scientist. She recalled her various dogs and some people, like Owen Paris and some man named Justin Tighe. But nothing of now. She didn't remember becoming a captain, being brought to the Delta Quadrant, Kes, our fight and victory over the Borg, species 8472, the Hirogen. Nothing. She knew me, which was surprising and she knew Tom and Tuvok. Everyone else was a blank.

Even her personal logs did nothing to bring back her memory. Her mind was just too shattered to put together all she had ever done. I hadn't just lost Kathryn, the ship had lost it's Captain.

**

Tuvok suggested the only plausible thing-I needed to become Voyager's captain. I didn't like the idea, but I saw no other choice. Kathryn was incapable of even running her own life. I begrudgingly took the position, telling myself it was only to keep it safe for it's rightful owner. By day, I was Captain. By night, I worked with the doctor and Tom, to teach Kathryn to live again.

We taught her to walk, using all means possible. When we weren't teaching her to use her mobility, I was working with her on her speech. The woman who was never at a loss for words, and who could speak so eloquently, was learning like a child. But to her credit, Kathryn grabbed on quickly.

Slowly, out of the rumpled body that had been Kathryn Janeway, a new Kathryn was emerging. Blossoming and growing slowly.

**

We had taken to walking the corridors at night, slowly, while she acquainted herself with the ship and the people. It was during these walks, that we worked on her speech. She walked ever so slowly, which again broke my heart, because Kathryn slowed for nothing.

"What were we?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked back. Sometimes, it was difficult to understand her.

"Me and you."

"You and I." I corrected her.

"All right, you and I. What were we-to each other?"

I knew that this would eventually come. It was a double edged sword. We were commanders, friends. I wanted more, but the Kathryn of old had never let on her true feelings or emotions. "You were the captain, I was your first officer. At the beginning, we were enemies, but when the caretaker brought us here, we had to become allies or we wouldn't make it."

"Is that all?" Kathryn asked.

"We were friends. Close confidants."

Kathryn was quiet as we walked along. We reached the hydroponics bay, which Kes had so carefully tended and created. Kathryn didn't even remember the young woman who had changed all of our lives.

Kathryn let go of my arm and began walking around the shelves and touching the various plants and flowers. She was so much more beautiful, if that were possible. Free of the confines of command.

I was looking at the peace roses, remembering how long ago I had given her one after her brush with death. Now, she didn't even remember the significance of the flower. I touched it gently and was surprised to feel her hand on mine. I turned and looked at her. Kathryn looked up at me, her face betraying her emotions.

"Were we in love?" She asked quietly. I was hoping she wouldn't ask that one, for I didn't know how to answer. "Please. I feel that when you're near, something is there and I can't identify it."

Well, I had told myself when this nightmare began that I would tell her the truth. I saw no reason to run from it now. "Perhaps. See, I had fallen in love with you, not long after we began this journey, but I never said as much to you."

"Was I in love with you?"

"I-I don't know. Sometimes, I thought you were and other times, I--."

Kathryn put her fingers against my lips. "I don't remember if I did love you or not. I guess now, it really shouldn't matter, since this is now and that was then. But there had to be something there, on my part, for I feel as though I could entrust you with anything, including my soul, and I don't think that is something that just develops overnight. Maybe, your Kathryn did love you and was just too afraid to admit it. You've told me how much being captain meant to her. If I understand all of this, she probably felt that having a relationship would jeopardize her judgment and possibly her position."

"That sounds about right." I murmured against her fingers.

"But that Kathryn is gone. However, this Kathryn, I think, is falling in love with you."

I didn't know what to say. For so long, I had waited for her to say it, that she felt something for me too. But the accident and the loss of her memory, made me quit believing it could ever happen. Now, our positions were reversed. I was the captain and she the subordinate.

I kept staring into her eyes, noting how they didn't seem to be lying, even now. I watched them until they became blurry and the next sensation I felt was her lips against mine, softly moving, experimenting. I couldn't help but kiss her back, thinking how this was even more different then I had imagined. It was Kathryn, yet wasn't.

She pulled away from me, and smiled that crooked smile that I knew so well. She then looked at the roses. For a second, it looked like she might remember.

"Do these mean something?" She asked.

"They did once." I replied.

Kathryn put her arms around me and hugged me close to her. I put my arms around her and hugged her back.

"Then tell me about their meaning, for they are beautiful."

**

Kathryn decided when she was fully recovered physically, that she didn't want to be captain. She asked to be lowered in rank to 'commander' and asked to be assigned to the science division. I made her a bridge science officer, alternating her and Samantha Wildman. No one seemed to mind. Her work was marvelous and I saw why she had loved it so much before. Her mind was so analytical.

As for her and I, we took it slow. Gathering with the crew turned into dinner in the mess hall, to dinner in one of our quarters. Kathryn even found a liking in cooking. We began as friends and became more.

The first time we made love was extraordinary. Kathryn told me that she didn't remember ever having sexual relations before and that this felt new. In fact, she was quite shy at first, but grew more confident.

We made it a conscious effort to keep personal from the professional. It worked, for ten months after her accident, Kathryn and I married.

**

I remember the day she told me she was pregnant. It was a day six months after we had married. I had been walking down the corridors when I heard someone running.

"Chakotay!" I heard her yell. I turned around in time to see a black and blue figure running toward me at full speed. The next thing I knew, she was in my arms, legs encircling my back, lips against mine in one of the deepest kisses we had, ones usually saved for our time alone.

"Kathryn, hold still. Why this sudden burst of energy?" I asked her.

She trailed kisses from the corner of my mouth up to my ear, where she whispered, oh so quietly.

"You're going to be a daddy." She pulled back and looked at me. Her eyes smiled, her face bright with color.

"You're. . .?"

"Five months from now, you'll have a son." She said. I should have noticed how she had been putting on some weight. I had refrained from saying anything, since she had lost so much after the accident.

"A son." I said incredulously. "I'm going to be a daddy." It hit me then and I twirled her around in circles, oblivious to the fact that we were in the middle of the corridor.

I sat her down, fearing it would make her sick. She laughed and hugged me, so happy. "I love you so much."

"I love you more." I told her. Then unable to contain myself, I picked her up and twirled her around again.

**

True to her word, Kathryn gave me a son five months later. She was so excited. She told me that she remembered that she wanted children, but something had kept her from fulfilling that dream. I didn't have the heart to tell her that being captain on this ship had deprived her of that dream.

It was so incredible, watching my son being born, knowing that Kathryn almost hadn't lived to see this miracle herself. Moments after David's birth, she held him against her, counting his toes, his fingers, taking inventory of her baby.

"He's perfect." She declared. Her hair was still plastered to her forehead.

"He looks like his mommy." I whispered, as he took hold of my little finger.

"No, he looks like both of us." She said, looking up at me. "Thank you." She said.

"No, Kathryn. I should be thanking you. You did all the hard work." I said, looking at her, seeing how happy she truly was.

"This took the both of us and an incredible amount of love. If only the other Kathryn had seen." She said.

"She did." I answered as Kathryn began feeding our son for the first time.

**

When I think back over the past couple of years, I realize that I am lucky. Yet, sometimes. . .

"Bridge to Captain Chakotay."

"Chakotay here. What is it Lt.?"

"Sir, we're about to meet with the Gincolfa. They're beaming over with a representative of the prelate."

"Show them to the briefing room, Harry. I'll be there shortly."

I walked over to Kathryn and knelt before her and stroked David's cheek. "Hungry, isn't he?"

"He didn't have much breakfast. He's making it up, I think." Kathryn said.

"I know I promised we'd have some time today, but we need the polypharenite."

She put a hand on my cheek. "I know, Chakotay. A captains job is never done."

"No, it's not." I smiled at her, then pulled her down for a kiss. It disrupted David and he began to fuss.

"Guess he hates interruptions as much as we do." I said, helping Kathryn settle back and adjusting David.

"Get to work. The quicker you finish your negotiations, the quicker you can come home." Kathryn said.

"Aye, aye, captain." I smiled and headed out the door.

**

On the way there I thought back over the past couple of years. Sometimes, I think when I gained Kathryn was when I lost her. Or maybe I feel I lost more then I actually gained. Yet I wouldn't trade this Kathryn for anything. I learned to love her all over again.

Her name is Kathryn and she is my wife.

Her name was Kathryn and she was once a captain of starship.

**Finis**