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"Is This What You Want?"

By Mindy

Sequel to "He’ll Understand"

She stood in front of me, face composed. No hint of what was going through her mind. She stood, in my quarters, pulling down the straps of. . .hell, I don’t know what you call it.

"Kathryn?" I questioned.

"Is this what you want, Chakotay? Is this the Kathryn you want? The one who seduces you and gives in?" The straps were off her shoulders now and all that was holding the top of that thing up was her breasts.

This though, goes a lot further back then just walking into my quarters. It began a few months ago.

**

I had went, I guess looking for retribution from the one that I knew, would be hurt from my actions. Every time I did something like this, I went running to Kathryn, as if I needed to explain myself to her. I felt it necessary. Maybe, just maybe, I thought she could put it into a perspective that I could understand. How was I to know when walked in there, that she would be hurting in more ways then one?

She kept telling me to leave. I wouldn’t. Kathryn had to have her say and I was glued in place. Not that I wanted to hear what she had to say, I just couldn’t leave.

Later, before I left, she told me that what goes around, comes around. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but really. Just to have the last word.

Guess I wasn’t listening that night.

**

There was a small amount of tiptoeing once she got back on her feet. But something was different. Kathryn was different. Let’s see, how do I describe this? It was like she was more outgoing, more exuberant. Then again, Kathryn, to me was sequestering herself.

She’d go to the holodeck. But when I would ask her, she’d decline, siting reports to be read or that she was tired or she had something to do. The first couple of times I bought it, but after about the fourth decline of my offer, curiosity got the best of me.

"Computer, location of Captain Janeway." I had asked. Surprise, surprise. She was on the holodeck. After that, I didn’t ask anymore. If she didn’t want to spend time with me, even as a friend, then I’d grant her, her space.

It still didn’t prepare me for our trip to Milar 2.

**

Everyone said they could see the attraction from the beginning. I sure as hell didn’t. He wasn’t attractive. Just average. But it was the talk of the ship. Kathryn Janeway was involved with this man. I tried to be happy for her, but it hurt. Especially when we were getting ready to leave.

". . . I’m sorry we’re leaving," she said as she looked at a Padd. I stood at the lower level.

"You’re going to miss him, aren’t you?"

"What do you mean?" Kathryn asked innocently.

"You have been the talk of the ship, Kathryn. You know, news moves fast on this ship," I said, wanting to sound convincing.

"Of course I’ll miss him. He’s been an excellent host. Why wouldn’t I miss him?" She said, her face betraying nothing.

However, I knew more had happened. Seven had made some comment about how she had caught Kathryn and this guy kissing in one of the gardens. I can’t begin to tell you how much that one hurt. But it did.

We went back to the quiet of our thoughts. She paced the upper level, I stood below watching her. Finally, silence meant nothing to me anymore and I thought it was time to do what had been brewing for a long time.

"So Kathryn. If he was just a friend, how come you kissed him?"

The look on her face; how I would have loved to have had a holovid of it. She’d been caught and she knew it. If it came down to it, she couldn’t dispute it. She had been caught by our very own Borg, who didn’t lie and remembered everything she saw.

"How did you know?"

"Seven told me. Or should I say, let it slip," I said. I had a feeling this was going to get nasty. Very nasty.

"What I do and whom I do it with, is none of your business," Kathryn said. Her tone was dead serious and I knew the storm was brewing beneath the surface.

"Oh, so let me get this straight: You meet this official. He shows you the sights, bargains with you for this and that for use of his planet and supplies. You kiss him or let him kiss you. Yet, you tell me you’re nothing but good friends. Tell me, Kathryn—what’s wrong with this picture?"

I should have said it, shouldn’t have brought it up. But I’d waded out too far to back away now.

"That is unfair. . ." she began.

"No. You want to know what’s unfair? Firstly, you get all upset and jealous if I so much as look at another female. Though, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. After all, you don’t have any claim over me other then that of my commanding officer. And usually," I said, my voice measured, "best friends encourage the other to seek out a companion."

Kathryn turned her back to me. She hung her head, on hand on her hip, the other slack at her side. "So I’m guilty."

"But that’s not the worst. I’ve made it clear in God only knows, how many ways, that I’m here for you, in any fashion you’d like. Yet you pass me over for someone you can never see again. Tell me something, is this some sort of revenge for my affairs. If it is, it is really childish."

Kathryn turned to me then. Her eyes were teared up, like she wanted to cry and didn’t know how. That damned command facade of hers.

"It wasn’t revenge," she said quietly.

"Then what was it, or is it out of line to ask?"

"I was lonely," she whispered.

"What?"

"I said I was lonely. That I was alone," Kathryn began. That did it. I lost it then and just like I had when I left Starfleet, I acted on my own impulse. I’d had enough of Kathryn leading this dance.

"You were alone?" I stalked up to the rail and looked up at her. "You hypocritical bitch," I said.

"How dare. . ." Kathryn began.

"No! How dare you! I’ve been telling you, each and every time that you’ve said you were alone, I have said you didn’t have to be alone. I’ve been by your side every step in this journey. Then you have the gall to tell me you were alone?"

"I—I," Kathryn stammered. My decision came then and there. Impulsive? Sure. Expected? No. I didn’t think twice.

I reached up to my collar and removed my rank bar. Holding it in the palm of my hand, I scrutinized it for a minute. Reaching out, I took her hand and set my rank bar in it. Smiling, I closed her fingers over it, holding her hand in mine. With my other hand, I patted it.

"Well, then let me tell you—I’ve stood dutifully by your side, which you’ve chosen to ignore. I have pointed out your irrationality in a multitude of situations, such as the Borg and your self imposed exile in the Void. You made it clear that my opinion, while allowing me to voice them, were not going to change your mind. You give me the hope that maybe, yes someday, we can be together. Then, you go and have your fun because you’re lonely. This time, it doesn’t work."

Kathryn stared at the hand that held my rank bar. "Just because I kissed him, you’re doing this?"

"It’s more then a kiss Kathryn. I’m supposed to be your best friend and don’t even get the privilege of hugging you. I’m sorry," I said. I let go of her hand and walked slowly toward the door. I quickly formulated what I wanted to say to her. "Effective now, I resign my commission as first officer of this ship. My duties, I will find elsewhere. I give up my command, my codes and request to continue this journey as a civilian."

"You can’t just leave me like this, Chakotay. It isn’t fair," Kathryn said, coming around the end of her rail and stepping down.

"No, maybe it isn’t. But I can’t go on like this anymore."

Kathryn stepped up to me, her blue eyes shining more then usual. "But I need you—"

I took her by her shoulder and smiled. "No, you don’t, Kathryn. You’ve proven to me time and again that my opinions, thoughts, insight aren’t wanted. You want a ‘yes man’ like Tuvok in the first seat. Where he should have been all along." I let go of her and turned. As the door opened to the bridge, I looked at her one final time.

"I’ve told you for years that you weren’t alone, Kathryn. Now, you will learn what being alone means. You will truly be alone." I walked out of her ready room, off of her bridge. Effectively, I thought, out of her life. I had no idea what I’d do, but letting her see what it means to be alone was the only way I could prove my point.

In a matter of a few minutes, I had turned my back again on something I believed in. This time, I had no idea what I was going to do.

Kathryn wanted to know what it was like to be alone. Now, I was letting her see what it was like.

**

I found myself wondering what I would do. I could effectively work with Neelix, but I think he would have driven me nuts within a short time. So, doing what I did as first officer, I became the unofficial ships counselor. I could now put in my two cents worth and really listen. I did that part time. The rest, I spent with Naomi Wildman. Voyager needed a teacher and I needed an outlet.

I didn’t go out of my way to see Kathryn, much less talk to her. I refused to discuss anything with her other then ships business where the crew was involved or to allow Naomi to observe first hand what I was teaching her. I figured, letting Kathryn learn the full impact of loneliness was the only way to make her see she was never alone.

Some of my former Maquis members asked if I was planning a mutiny and I told them the truth. It was my own personal mutiny and as I had at the beginning of this journey, explained to them if they even thought of mutiny, I would personally escort them to the brig.

But it wasn’t just them. The crew began to notice the change as well. When left to her own devices, Kathryn didn’t know what to do. We’d relied on each other—from the looks of it, sometimes too much. Without my prodding, Kathryn didn’t go to crew functions. A small part of me enjoyed what I was doing, the other part of me felt guilty.

Yet I think it finally hit her when I would no longer ask her to activities on the holodeck or dinner anymore. I wouldn’t even invite her to my quarters. Alone she thought, now she was.

So, imagine my surprise when I walked into my quarters after running a simulation on the holodeck, showing Naomi some of the functions that a shuttle had. . .

**

"Kathryn?" I questioned.

"Is this what you want, Chakotay? Is this the Kathryn you want? The one who seduces you and gives in?" The straps were off her shoulders now and all that was holding the top of that thing up was her breasts.

I looked at her, not believing what I was seeing. After a moment, listening to her heavy breathing and seeing her in less then that towel years ago, I turned on my heal and walked out.

I wasn’t to my desk when I felt Kathryn’s arm pull me around. She slapped me hard across the face and glared at me.

"Get out," she said between clenched teeth.

"Why should I get out, Kathryn? It’s my quarters."

She stopped a minute, her face softening. "What do you want from me, Chakotay? I thought this is what you wanted."

"That’s where you are mistaken, Kathryn. A physical relationship? Do you think it’s your body I want? A warm piece of flesh next to mine? I thought you knew me better then that."

"You don’t want me," Kathryn said. Her shoulders began shaking. "I thought. . ."

I took put my hands on her arms, holding her at arms length. "You don’t understand, Kathryn. Yes, I like your body, I want to feel the warmth you have to offer. But you won’t even let me touch you. Seduction doesn’t work well with me. Especially with you. It isn’t your style."

"I thought, if I was something like this," she looked down at what she was wearing, "you’d like me again."

I couldn’t believe she’d said that. "I never stopped liking you, Kathryn. You had your fling because you felt lonely. That hurt. I’ve told you time and again you’re not alone. I’ve made you eat, rest, become more then a figure head—all because I didn’t want you to be alone. When you told me that you reacted because you were lonely, something snapped."

She looked up at me, her eyes brimming with tears. "I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I need you, by my side, helping me. I don’t want a ‘yes’ man, like you said. I need someone who has enough balls to tell me like it is. I need someone who stands not behind me, but with me. I need someone to challenge my beliefs and look beyond the obvious. I need you—your intuition, strength, intelligence. I need and want my best friend back."

"It’s going to take more then that, Kathryn."

The look on her face changed and the next I knew, she’d pulled me against her, her body against mine, her lips against mine. Pulling away, she looked into my eyes.

"I want you back in my life, Chakotay. Down deep, where it counts, I wanted to get even with you for all those others. You were right. I was jealous. I told you I wasn’t available, but I didn’t want anyone else to have you either. I don’t know of anyone else who can make me change my mind. I'm *not* alone."

"I don’t know," I said.

Well, I suppose you could say we began again that night. She’d finally come to realize that I meant what I’d said. I didn’t want her to be alone and I didn’t want to be alone, either. We are now friends who aren’t afraid to display affection. When she needs a hug, I’m there. We each fill a void that the other has.

I’m not saying this will all work out in the end. We’ve both been impulsive—but isn’t this what you want?

Kathryn would say yes.

So would I.

*end*



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