Disclaimer: Paramonster! And a nod to John Denver and the muppets…damn.

“Kathryn’s Feather Bed”

By Mindy

“I told you once, I’m telling you now; I don’t perform at talent night,” Chakotay said. He stood in front of Kathryn’s desk and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Chakotay, come on. It’s not that bad,” Kathryn replied, trying to convince him.

“Look, maybe you can get up in front of people and dance. I can’t. I used to get tongue tied just giving answers in class at the academy. What makes you think people would like to see me get up and make a fool of myself?”

“Because,” Kathryn said, rising, “you are the only member of the senior staff who hasn’t done something at it. Even Seven has performed.”

“Assisting the doctor with a magic trick is hardly what I’d consider performing,” Chakotay said, very insistent.

“Come on, Chakotay. You’ve got to have some talent.”

“No, I don’t,” he said, then added silently, ‘except that which cannot be performed in public.’

Kathryn crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re going to make me give you an order, aren’t you?”

“I hardly think that’s fair, Kathryn. Why order me to do something I really don’t want to do?”

“Because I think you should,” Kathryn took a Padd off her desk, scanned it then handed it to him. “Consider yourself signed up.”

Chakotay took the Padd and sighed. He didn’t want to do this. Giving her a good impression of her glare, he turned and left the Ready Room.

“Oh, and Chakotay?”

He turned and looked at her. “Yes?”

“It had better be good.”


“I need your help,” he said to Tom Paris as they worked on some maintenance on the Delta Flyer.

“You—you as in Chakotay, need my help,” Tom looked at him, and picked up a tool.

The captain is forcing me to do talent night. I have an idea, but I need to get some help.”

“What are you doing, crashing another shuttle. If it’s that, you don’t need any help.”

Chakotay laughed. “No, it’s a song. I plan on teaching the captain a lesson.”

Paris looked at him and a grin spread across his face. “Actually, this could be pretty fun. Count me in.”

They spent the rest of time discussing what they would do.


“Tonight, we have a special. After years of prodding, poking and finally ordering, Commander Chakotay has decided to grace us with a performance tonight,” Neelix said. Cat calls, whistling and shouts were heard from the audience. Kathryn watched amused, wondering what her first officer was going to perform.

“So, with a little bit of help from a few of us, we give you, “Feather Bed”.” Neelix moved off stage as the curtain was drawn and the scene became visible. Somehow, Chakotay had managed to make a perfect replica of her bedroom. Only difference was that the bed was huge, much larger then hers. She saw him enter the stage.

Chakotay had on a long night shirt, with red pinstripes running vertically down the garment. On his nose was perched a pair of wire rimmed glasses and on his head was nightcap.

Kathryn was puzzled. What could he be doing…

…then the music began…

“When I was a maquis boy, just up off the floor,
We used to go down to Kathryn’s house, every month end or so.
We’d have pecan pie, country ham, homemade coffee ice cream,
But the best darn thing about Kathryn’s house,
Was her great big feather bed.”

She watched as about seven heads pop up in her bed. She recognized Tom, Harry, Neelix, Naomi, Samantha, Carrey, and Doc. Kathryn felt her cheeks begin to heat up. They all began singing along with Chakotay.

“It was nine feet and six feet wide and soft as a downy chick.
It was made from the feathers of forty ‘leven geese,
Took a whole bolt of cloth for the tic
It could hold eight crew, and four rifles and a tribble we stole from the lab.
We didn’t get much sleep, but we had a lot of fun on Kathryn’s Feather Bed.”

Chakotay sat down on the bed and began pull back the covers as if to get into this bed. Kathryn didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or laugh, which a majority of the crew were doing.

After supper, we’d sit around the quarters, Tuvok would spit and chew,
Neelix would talk about the farm and the war and Samatha’d sing a ballad or two.
I’d sit and listen and watch the stars till the cobwebs filled my head,
Next thing I’d know I’d wake up in the middle of Kathryn’s feather bed.

Everyone joined in the chorus again and as the last verse started, Chakotay crawled in beside Naomi and Doc. Harry and Tom tossed the tribble back and forth while Carrey and Neelix dismantled the phaser rifles.

Well, I loved my ma, I loved my pa, I love ‘nomi and ole’ Doc too
I’ve been flyin the delta, jokin’ with Harry,
I even kissed 8472, (At which all those in the bed and the audience went EWWWW!!)
But if I ever had to make a choice, I guess it ought to be said,
I’d trade them all, plus the blond down the road, for Kathryn’s feather bed!

They sang another round of the chorus and the curtain dropped.


Chakotay walked to his quarters and was surprised to see Kathryn leaning against the wall.

“You have some nerve, commander.”

Chakotay sighed and rolled his eyes. “What did I do this time? You ordered me to perform and I did.”

“Come with me,” Kathryn said, pulling him by the arm to the door to her quarters. She pulled him inside and into her bedroom. Inside was the most ornate bed he’d ever seen. “This is a feather bed. I couldn’t stand Starfleet issue, so I had this one brought from my grandmothers house.” She got up in his face. “How did you know about my feather bed?”

Chakotay stuttered. “I didn’t. How could I have? Tom and I found the song in the music database and we altered the words. I had no idea you really had a feather bed.”

Having enough, Kathryn shoved him down onto her bed.

“Well, we’ll just have to see about you waking up in the middle of my feather bed, Chakotay.”


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