There are many things in this universe I pretend to know about. Then again, there are a lot of things I do know. Itís not that I ever relied on it. It, meaning my intelligence. But I do. In this game of exploration and discovery, I have to.
I know I make mistakes. Iíd be lying if I said I didnít. Iím not proud of them, but if I didnít make mistakes, I wouldnít learn from them. God, Iím beginning to sound just like my academy professors. Wouldnít they think this is funny?
Iím not making much sense. When Neelix asked us to write about ourselves to put in to something he called a time capsule, I was enthused at the prospect. Imagine, if we donít live to see home, those who come after us will at least be able to know who we are. Thereís a thought. Future generations getting to know us.
Who are we? Well, at the risk of sounding corny (did I just say corny) we are Voyagers. Explorers in the truest sense of the world. Who am I? Iím Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager.
What do I confess? Isnít privacy sacred to anyone? No, not on a Starship this small. Then again, no one is going to see this for a very long time. What is there about captains that intrigue people? They should have offered a course at the academy.
I sigh when I think about what I like. Then I realize it. This isnít so much a confession. Itís way to express who I am. My deepest secrets and darkest desires. So, I list here, what makes Kathryn Janeway who she is.
Kathryn Janeway is a woman who likes to jump in a huge pile of fall leaves, crisp in the early evening of a October night. She loves to flop in the snow and make angels. Kathryn loves putting her feet up on the hearth of fireplace and toast them up nice and warm.
She likes to walk spring grass in the early dusk, barefooted. She likes to see the lawns of the academy park look like casually draped velvet. Kathryn loves playing in sea foam and running from that seventh wave that comes up further on the sand then any other wave. She loves agates and the pursuit of the perfect sand dollar.
Kathryn loves the taste of marshmallowís roasted over a campfire. She loves the smell of wood smoke and how it permeates her clothes and makes her feel invigorated. She loves lying under the Christmas tree on her back and staring up thru the needles at the twinkling lights. Kathryn loves being up before everyone else on Christmas morning to see what was left overnight.
I love family evenings, when we play ancient board games and yell and laugh over stupid moves. I like to indulge in a smoke every now and then and enjoy the suspense that maybe, just maybe Iíll get caught. I like to lounge around all day in my p.j.ís, doing whatever I feel or not feel like doing. Kathryn loves dressing up in clothes and becoming the heroin of her favorite books.
I love the feel of strong arms about me. The scent of a man when heís totally relaxed. I love the feeling elicited by the touch of a loved one. I enjoy making love with careless abandonment and being as vocal as possible. I love the power and the sensations caused by a man who knows how to take love and give it.
I love a hot bath with nothing but candles and bubbles after a long day. I like the sensation of Romulan ale, and the first swallow, like fire burning a path through your body. I like to get drunk and pass out and not worry about what I did the night before.
I love my first officer.
God, did I just say that? Then I guess itís true. You want to know the real Kathryn Janeway, this is her. A captain driven to get her crew home to the worlds they once knew. Sheís a woman who feels everything to core. Sheís the little girl who doesnít want to give up the ideals she dreamed about when she stared at the ceiling at night.
I am all these. They say the truth will set you free. Itís true. I didnít want to do this at first, but now that I have, I realize that Iíve missed some of the basic needs.
So, youíll have to excuse this for being so short. I have to tell Chakotay how I feel, then maybe I can talk him into jumping into a big pile of leave with me, or making snow angels. Maybe I can talk him into toasting marshmallows with me or strolling hand in hand on the beach.
Maybe Iíll just grab him, take him into my bedroom and make love to him all through the night, to make up for the times I pushed him aside.
My one piece of advice. Something Chakotay once told me. Donít sacrifice your present for a future that may never happen. I intend to start listening to him more.
Hold on, Chakotay. I finally have something to confess.