Disclaimer: Kathryn deserves a romance more then Chakotay at this point. TPTB probably want us to think she's as into Voyager as Kirk was into the Enterprise. Bull. But I'll play along, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. Paramount owns them. Fine. If I did, then there would be some serious changes, including Janeway's hair. There, take that!!! And by the way, I've always wanted to write a scene where Kathryn gets thoroughly pissed off and upset. She is human, after all.

"Breaking Glass, Flowers on the Floor"

By Mindy

Kathryn entered Astrometics and nodded curtly to Seven.

"Captain."

"Seven." She said quietly. Her mind was engaged elsewhere. Seven looked at the form of her captain and noticed the slight slump in her shoulders, the rigid posture, now deflating.

"Can I assist you with something?" Seven asked.

"I'm just checking something." Seven heard her murmur words such as 'Kellin' and 'star system' and 'familiar'.

"Are you checking to see if Kellin's claims are true?"

Kathryn sighed. She really didn't want to go into this with Seven right now. She had her own reasons for checking the woman's claims. "Seven, I really don't want to talk about this, alright?"

Seven regarded her a moment, then leaned against the console, crossing her arms across her chest. "I do not understand."

Kathryn slammed her fist against the console where she was working. "What?" Her voice came out as an exasperated sigh.

"For the past nine months, you have been acquainting me with human emotions, to reintroduce me to what was lost when I was assimilated by the Borg. Yet, when I question your current mood, you refuse to explain."

"There are some things, Seven, that are to hard and hurtful to deal with." Kathryn said.

"It is Commander Chakotay. His relationship with Kellin." Seven was blunt.

"No, it's not."

Seven stepped forward. "You are lying."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it."

"Ensign Kim has told me on numerous occasions that talking out a problem with another can sometimes lead to a solution. Was he in error?"

Kathryn still hadn't looked at her. Knowing that if she looked at the former Borg, she would lose it right there. "No. It's just hard to explain."

Seven recounted some of the other personal log entries she had glimpsed when Steth had taken over Tom Paris' body. Captain Janeway had been trying to remove Seven from her shell, it was time to do the same for the Captain. She began reciting, verbatim, the entries from Kathryn's personal log. ". . .my ready room after the relay stations had been destroyed. I admitted to Chakotay that I didn't really expect Mark to wait. I told him, though I couldn't look him in the eye, that I had been using Mark as a safety net, to avoid becoming involved with someone else. His eyes gave me such caring, as always. I backtracked by telling him that my life was far from eventful out here, that I wouldn't have had time to pursue a relationship, even if I had realized I had been alone. He told me I was far from alone and that to his way of thinking, we had plenty of time."

Kathryn's back straightened and the tears sprang to her eyes. Seven continued with a more current entry. "This all out war with the Hirogen took a lot out us. According to the doctor, I had been stabbed, beaten. Hell, I even was shot. I've been thinking a lot. Plenty of time, Chakotay said. No, we don't have plenty of time. What will it take for me to totally open up to him? When he was 'Captain Miller', he was still by my side, insisting that he go with me to 'the bunker', calling me gung ho. It was if Chakotay had been this man once. No doubt, if I still had been Katrine, she could have fallen for him hard. There isn't plenty of time. I need to now make the decision; love him or let him go? I have to say I want the former of the two choices."

Kathryn turned to the Borg, her fists clenched. "How did you know what my personal logs said? You told me that you had only glimpsed the one entry."

"I omitted part of the whole. I only had wished to prove my point about Lt. Paris' condition and threats." Seven regarded the woman in front of her. "Why would you allow the commander to go into a relationship with a woman, when you desire him for yourself?"

Kathryn took her time answering, trying to put her thoughts into words. "Because I love him enough, that if he wanted this so badly, I wouldn't stand in his way. Even for my own needs."

"I thought as much." Seven said. "You underestimate yourself, Captain Janeway. Having an implant for an eye, I can still see energy and heat reactions. I have seen the way the body temperatures rise when Lt's Paris and Torres are together; the way Ensign Kim's rises when I enter his vision. I've seen it between various members of the crew. But by far, the most I've seen is between yourself and the commander."

"I can't interfere with his personal life, Seven. No matter how much it hurts." She turned from Seven again. "And believe me, it does. I told him it didn't hurt, that he was my best friend, that I couldn't deny him what she has to offer."

"Perhaps it's not too late." Seven answered simply.

Kathryn turned back to her and Seven noticed how the tears ran freely down her cheeks. "It's always too late for me, Seven. I've held onto dreams, of illusions, thinking there was someone back home, waiting for me. I've always told myself that I'd never allow myself the privilege of falling in love again. Every time I do, I'm the one who loses. I lost Justin, I lost Mark and now I've lost Chakotay. I'm tired of being on the losing end of this game." She stalked up to the upper level and continued.

"I have no right. No right to tell someone whom they can love and who they can't." She narrowed her eyes at Seven. "You want to know what I truly wish? You want the honest to goodness truth? I wish I had never set eyes on him. I wish I hadn't destroyed that array, because then I'd be the one married and his ass would be in prison where he belonged. I wouldn't have had to deny myself four years of relationships and passion. I could have had it all. . .but I believed that the Ocampa were more important then my needs."

"You are being hard on yourself, Captain."

"No, I'm not. You're probably the only one on this ship that I can vent my frustrations too, that what I say won't go beyond these walls." Kathryn said, twisting in place.

"Then continue, Captain. Unlike your relationship with the Commander, I have plenty of time."

"I hate being alone. I hate crying myself to sleep every damn night. I hate losing the people I've been entrusted to keep safe. I want to be able to laugh, cry, dance, sing, without answering to anyone why I want these things. I want to be able to give an order without it being questioned. I'd like to tell everyone to go to hell and feel great afterwards. I'd like to have a steaming cup of coffee. I want to get drunk and throw caution to the wind. I'd love to flatten that pompous ass Q and stand over him and laugh. But most of all, I want. . ." Kathryn stopped and fell to her knees. Seven approached her cautiously and knelt beside her. Though awkward, she put an arm around the shaking shoulders.

"What do you want, Captain?"

Kathryn looked at Seven, seeing compassion in the former Borgs eyes. "I want. . .I want. . .*him*." She took in a deep breath. She had finally admitted it. Admitted that she wanted him. " I never asked to fall in love with him. Why did I have to fall in love with him?"

"I thought as much. But I can not answer your question."

Kathryn gave her a sad, crooked grin. "But you want to know something. I want him to hurt, as much as he's hurt me. I want him to feel the pain that this causes; not just Kellin, but from Riley, from Seska. But you know what I want right now?"

"No."

"I want to break something." Kathryn stood and looked around. As a rule, astrometrics had nothing breakable. Both of their eyes, however, were simultaneously drawn to a vase of flowers. Neelix had decided that astrometrics needed to be cheery, as cheery as any other room on board. Seven had accepted the flowers begrudgingly. Kathryn walked over to the stand and took hold of the vase, then walked back up to the upper level where Seven watched her.

Kathryn grasped the rim of the vase and pulled her arm back. The vase flew across the room and shattered against wall beside the doors. The sound of the glass breaking immediately made her feel better.

"Bridge to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Captain, we have another alien on board."

"On my way." Kathryn began walking toward the door, looking at the broken glass, flowers and water on the floor.

"I will attend to the mess, Captain. Your assistance is required elsewhere."

"Thank you, Seven." Kathryn started through the doors.

"Captain, " Seven said before the door shut. "Everything will work out for the best."

"I hope so."

"It will."

**Fin**

Go Back To Index