Cathexis Log
Disclaimer: Well, we know the song. Paramount even owns Chakotay's soul. That's bad! Bad Paramount, bad bad!

**Personal Log, Commander Chakotay**


By Mindy

Tuvok and I had been out in the shuttle on a trade mission. On our way back, we were hit by some energy discharge in a nebula. That was the last thing I remembered within my body. Let me put it this way, first it was being turned into energy while looking for Harry while he was playing Beowolf. Now I was outside my body. You know that old saying. . .on the outside looking in? That was how I felt.

I was sure I was dead. But there was no great awakening, no sight of my ancestors, no walk with my guide to lead me to the ancient land of my people. I was displaced, with no way of knowing how to find my way home. Tuvok managed to activate the auto-pilot before he too succumbed. When we were within range, myself and Tuvok were transported to sickbay. Tuvok wasn't very badly injured, according to the doctor. I watched as Kes handed the doctor a cardio-stimulator. All the while he was telling Kathryn that my bio-neural had been extracted from my brain.

"What?" she said in disbelief. Kathryn has changed her hairstyle. It is now in a very becoming twist. Much more attractive then that bun she wears.

I saw something on her face that I saw often. . .concern. But this time, it was directed at me. Especially the news that I was brain dead.

There had to be away to let them know I was here, but how?

I floated around the ship, seriously out of place. I could see the members of the crew, hear their voices, but they didn't know I was there.

So I found myself on the bridge. Kathryn was heading toward the Nebula. I couldn't let them enter that thing; it was bad. I couldn't communicate with anyone. I came up behind Paris, and thought of what I could do.

I concentrated.

And for a moment, I joined my conscious with Paris, making him change course away from the nebula. It was a small action. But I hoped it would make someone see, understand that we couldn't go there.

I stepped back, watched and hoped. Kathryn noticed the change. Tom didn't remember doing it. Kathryn asked Harry where the command came from. Harry said it came from the conn. Tom adamantly said he didn't' do it, that everything was working fine. Kathryn had helm control re-routed to the operations console. She had Tom do a full diagnostic of the conn system.

There had to be someway to let them know where I was. That it was me doing this.

So I wandered around some more and found myself at Kes' quarters. She'd shown some mental gifts in the past, so maybe I could get through to her, let her know I was here. That it was me, Chakotay. She was reading a book, a real one, surprisingly enough.

She closed it and looked around. "Hello?" she said. Oh Spirits, she could sense me. She looked around the room. Kes got up and walked around. "Is someone there?"

Yes, I was here, but I couldn't do anything, to say, tell her it was me. Maybe I spooked her. I hope I hadn't, because I needed all the help I could get. At least Kes now knew that something was amiss, even if it was me.

I continued on and came across Tom at Navigational control. I concentrated again, changed course and managed to lock out control from operations. Surely someone could figure out what is going on, that I'm behind it.

I went around some more. I didn't want Voyager in that nebula, I didn't want Kathryn in that nebula, I wanted no one in there. I went to engineering. Using B'Elanna, I shut down the warp core. Voyager had to stay out of there. When Kathryn and Tuvok came in, they questioned B'Elanna. So far, when I've worked with somebody, they didn't remember it happening.

Maybe this could be something to work with. May work in my favor, but hopefully, Kathryn won't take initiative and kill me.

I have to be sure what's going on.

I followed them to sickbay. They found an "alien" influence in the memory engrams of Tom and B'Elanna. I've been called many things, mind you, but never an "alien influence." Tuvok called an intruder alert. Excuse me, how can you secure from something you can't see, much less remember? So far, I'd only took over the ones I trusted. I sought out Kes, so she'd know someone was there. I needed to be heard, to keep them away from that nebula.

For a Vulcan, Tuvok sometimes does not think things through, but he's been rather strange since we returned. Is it Tuvok in there, or maybe something else. . .the thing that did this to me.

Kathryn transferred her command codes over to the doctor, the only person on this ship I can't directly influence. I don't know if this is wise on her part. Practical, yes. But highly questionable.

But she's the captain.

And I can't argue with her in this state.

I followed them out when Kes came up to them in the corridor. She'd heard about my little possessions, saying she'd been sensing them all day. And I continued my journey.

It's rather strange to be moving like this, with no physical form. If it hadn't been for the fact that I wanted to live, it would have been fascinating. True freedom.

Kes is in a coma. While with Tuvok. I think I know what's going on.

I followed Tuvok back to the bridge. If there had been a way to tell her, I would have before Tuvok went to her ready room.

I know now it's Tuvok. I'd bet latinum on it. He said that Kes was physically assaulted. Kathryn said that the intent of the 'alien influence' had changed. No dammit. I wouldn't hurt anyone in this crew.

Tuvok was with her. He didn't receive any injuries. Kathryn suggested that he was under my influence at the time, but I was no where near that lift. Though I can't tell anyone, my instinct tells me Kes' problem can be blamed on a Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

Tuvok told the captain that perhaps he should have a scan run on him, for any memory engrams that would cause his forgetting to remember what happened to Kes. Kathryn called up the EMH program, only to be told that it had been disabled. He'd knocked the doctor off line, thereby rendering Kathryn's command code idea useless. Doc must have been onto something when he was disabled. Dammit Kathryn! Look! Is Tuvok acting right to you? You know him better then anyone else on this ship. Can't you see how he's a little too quick to pull out that phaser when he thinks someone is possessed? Open your eyes, Kathryn. I'm trying to help you.

Oh yeah, Tuvok. Feed her a line about wanting to keep the command codes in a humanoid member of the crew. No. It's Tuvok. Don't Kathryn, don't share the command codes with him. Whatever is in Tuvok, wants this ship in that nebula. A reasonable choice? No, Kathryn. They went back to the bridge to inform the crew of their intentions with the command codes and I followed.

She's telling the bridge crew. Now or never. Force Tuvok out into the open, that it's he who has been doing the malevolent things on board.

I circled around her, Kathryn in perfect position.


I was in her. I was probably going to regret doing this to her, and her muscles would sure as hell hate her in the morning, but I had no choice.

I backhanded him one. Oh, the look of disbelief on Tuvok's face. Kathryn is a whole hell of a lot stronger then I thought. Tom got out his chair, disbelief on his features too. Tuvok pulled his phaser on Kathryn. I kicked it out of his hand. I pulled her phaser, but Tuvok was quicker.

"Stun her! She's the alien." Tom fired.

Dammit. I left in a hurry. And went for Harry. I pulled his phaser, to get Tuvok, but Paris got him before I could. I jumped into Durst and tried it, but Tuvok set his phaser to wide beam stun. No one left for me to work with.


I went to Engineering. Maybe I could think of something to let them know it was me.

Now I knew it was critical. We had to stop. Now I knew how to do it, let them know it was me. I concentrated on B'Elanna again. Only two people on this ship can eject the warp core, have the authority and the codes. . .command codes. Kathryn and myself. Maybe that would alert them that it's me. Stop the ship and inform.

I ejected the warp core.

Then Tuvok, or better yet, whatever was in him, employed emergency thrusters.

Voyager was stuck. I made my way back up to sickbay. As I suspected, Neelix was there, hovering over Kes. I still don't know what she sees in him.

Using Neelix, I rearranged the stones of my medicine wheel, indicating where three planets were, a way out. Please catch on Kathryn.

See the meaning. Get us out of here.

The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes in sickbay and looking up at B'Elanna, Doc and Kathryn. Three very welcome sights.

"Commander? Can you hear me?" Doc said. Kathryn put her hand on my shoulder.

I blinked a couple of times. "Yes." I tried to sit up. "I'm a little dizzy, but I think I'm all here."

B'Elanna asked how he reintegrated my consciousness. He went through the basics and left. Kathryn came closer, one on my shoulder, the other on my chest.

"What happened, Commander?" Kathryn asked.

"After the attack on the shuttle. . . .I had this sensation of . . .floating above my own body. I thought I was dead."

"And when the shuttle returned to Voyager, you were still. . . disembodied?" she asked.

"Yes. I couldn't speak, I couldn't touch anything. But then I found if I concentrated on someone who was in the room with me, I could share their consciousness. At first, I could only do little things with the hosts body. Push buttons, work a console. As time went on, it became easier to do more. Sorry I had to knock you around, Tuvok." I said, apologizing. But actually, it had felt pretty good.

One climbing eyebrow at my service. "No apologies necessary," he said. I looked at Kathryn.

"Good job, commander. And welcome back," she said smiling.

"To be honest, I feel like I never left," I said, giving her a smile. She gave me a bigger one in return.

I recovered. I thought. I wrote this down. I apologized to Kathryn for using her as I did.

She is one smart woman.

She's a lot tougher then she looks. . .inside and out.

I've shared her consciousness. I know more about Kathryn.

Just a little.

**End Log**

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